


Fear is a State of Mind

by aj72



Series: Fear is a State of Mind [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coda, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aj72/pseuds/aj72
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Danny wasn’t sure how much more his partner could take. Steve was the strong one. Steve was the one who lived by the code “fear is a state of mind.” Well, if that was the case, Danny’s state of mind was off the charts because the only thing ruling it right now was fear; an overwhelming sense that Steve had finally reached the breaking point.</p><p>(Somewhat of a Coda for 4.21 with some canon divergence.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What started out as a drabble for Kristen999 turned into a real live story! She gave me wonderful advice and was my biggest cheerleader.
> 
> And a huge shout out of gratitude to my wonderful beta imaginary_iby. Her tips and suggestions were thought provoking and so helpful. She made everything about this little story so much better.

Danny tracked as Steve stirred on Tripler's thin ICU mattress. His eyelids seemed to be battling whether they wanted to open or remain closed. Danny could only wonder at what terrors might lay behind the shadows of Steve's eyes.

In all his years of friendship with his trouble-magnet and destruction-prone partner, this was the first time Steve appeared to be broken. Perhaps beyond repair. Not even McGarrett's foray into North Korea with Jenna had resulted in the shattered sailor before him.

The bruises on Steve's face, shrapnel wounds on his shoulders and the various lacerations at the hand of interrogators, were only the outside evidence of the nightmare his friend had recently endured.

Unknown to Danny was the extent of the internal injuries done to Steve's psyche. Cath was gone and only Steve knew why.

All Danny could think about was that she was another in the long line of people who'd left his partner: Steve's mother, deliberately hiding from her son for reasons Danny still couldn't understand; his father, taken away in an instant because of a vendetta the whole team was still trying to decipher; Nick Taylor, whose betrayal affected Steve more than he'd ever let on, because Nick was a brother-in-arms. Freddie, who given his life so Steve's mission would be successful; even poor misguided Jenna, who'd trusted the evil incarnate that was Wo-Fat, and had died as a result.

Steve was running out of people he could count on.

A whispered moan shook Danny from his thoughts and his eyes strayed back to Steve. Pain lines etched around his eyes, and his chest began moving up and down at a rapid pace.

Danny reached over and placed his hand directly over Steve's heart, feeling the up-tempo beats as Steve struggled against unseen demons.

Taking the SEAL's uninjured hand, Danny lightly rubbed Steve's chest with his other, praying the gentle circular motion would be relaxing for his friend.

"Hey babe. It's okay. I'm here and I promise I'm not going anywhere. You hear me. You've got me for the long haul."

Steve turned his face toward Danny, the lines around his mouth and eyes relaxing, eyelids softening.

And for a brief second, Danny felt the gentle pressure of Steve's hand squeezing in response. "I got you babe. I got you."

* * *

Danny's mind filled with images. They flashed in and out like an old timey movie projection... memories appeared like photos with curled edges and chemically damaged spots, accompanied by the sounds of the flip-flip-flipping of the movie reel. Flashes of laughter, smiles of celebration, and hugs of welcome-home intertwined with sparks of anger, disappointment, disbelief and hurt.

Danny startled awake. He shook his head to alleviate the last vestiges of sleep and tried to get his bearings. A darkened room greeted him. His body ached from sitting in the same position too long and he rubbed his eyes while he swallowed hard against a dry throat.

"D? No...D?"

Over and over a whispered moan greeted his ears.

"Danny. Danny. Where? Danny?"

Danny scrambled from the hard backed chair to perch on the bed, lifting his hand to Steve's fevered brow.

"Hey. Hey. I'm here buddy. Right here."

Danny frowned as Steve tossed his head back and forth, fighting to climb to the surface of awareness, the infection keeping him buried in terrors and nightmares.

"D? Danny?"

"Steven. I'm still here. Ya hear me you big lug?"

Danny's heart constricted when Steve reached out, grasping the air. Pulling the shaking arm toward him, Danny took care to not tangle the IV tubes that provided precious nutrients and medicines to the wounded man beside him. He covered the SEAL's hand with his own and pressed it to his chest.

"Do you feel that, buddy? I'm here. Feel my heart beating? I'm not going anywhere."

Steve's fingers curled around Danny's hand, seemingly desperate for some semblance of comfort.

The urge to get rid of any food he'd eaten in the past month surged within Danny.

_What did they do to you?_

Danny closed his eyes but couldn't shut off his mind. The movie projection reel started up again, this time filled with flashes of Steve behind the glass walls of Halawa; his battered face looking up from the back of a truck in North Korea; falling down a cliff in Oahu. These combined with the fresh and horrible memories of McGarrett being carried on a stretcher off the HELO, covered with bandages and a face beaten beyond recognition.

"Danno? Danno?"

Danny bowed his head and whispered a silent prayer to whatever God would hear him.

_Please. Please. Help me help him. Please._

Danny felt something wet land on his arm.

Opening his eyes, he realized it was his own tears falling and he leaned his head to press against Steve's fevered brow.

He closed his eyes, flashes of images still flipping through his mind, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed silent tears of desperation.

* * *

Something lighted on Danny's arm. He waved at it as if it were a fly buzzing about and buried his head deeper on his forearm. He was too tired to deal with anything so inconsequential. The last minute plane ride to Afghanistan, coupled with the stress over Steve's rescue and then the flight back to Hawaii to get him to Tripler had finally worn Danny down. Sometime in the midst of his vigil waiting for Steve to wake up, he'd fallen asleep, head cradled in his arms on the edge of Steve's bed.

Danny's skin tickled again and his frustration grew. _This stupid island and its ridiculous animal life. Someone shut the window or something. Could no one get a decent hour of sleep around here?_ He snuffled into his elbow and sighed.

"Danno?"

Danny's ears perked up. What? For the third time, Danny felt a gentle touch. He lifted his eyes toward the head of the bed and couldn't stop the grin that formed. "Hey buddy."

Steve's fingers whispered against Danny's forearm and Danny grasped his hand and intertwined their fingers. "It's so good to see you awake, babe. Although, you look like you were blindfolded and forced to go eight rounds with a grizzly bear."

Through hooded eyes, Steve glanced around the room and started to lift his head when a pained gasp escaped his lips.

Danny reached over to press his hand to Steve's chest, exerting the tiniest bit of pressure. "Hey now, no need to move about just yet. How are you feeling? Do I need to call the nurse?"

Steve swallowed and glanced back at Danny, and with a light shake of his head squeezed Danny's hand.

"What? Where?"

Steve's voice cracked through the effort of speaking. Danny reached over for the plastic pitcher of water on the nearby table and poured a small amount into a Styrofoam cup, plopping a straw into the container. "How about a drink, babe? Not too much but just something to wet your whistle."

An almost imperceptible nod gave Danny permission to reach around behind Steve's neck and gently lift his partner's head so he could more easily sip the tepid water through the straw. Two swallows were all Steve could tolerate and he pressed back against Danny's hand, indicating his desire to lean back. Danny acquiesced but only moved his hand as far as to the top of Steve's head. Now that his partner was awake, Danny had an uncontrollable urge to remain connected to him, even more so than when McGarrett struggled in unconsciousness.

"D, what's goin' on? E'one's okay?"

Danny held back a frown of confusion and instead plastered a smile on his face. "I'm good, babe. I'm okay."

Steve's voice wavered between whispering and a low timbre as he spoke, evidence of not being used in a while. "Chin and Kono? Grover? Cath? They were..." He closed his eyes, breathing deep before continuing "...out of the building before it came down?"

Danny's heart seized. Steve was talking about the bomb in the parking garage that had almost killed them all several weeks earlier. Steve didn't remember Afghanistan? Cath's disappearance? What was he going to tell him?

"They all got out. They're fine babe." Danny rubbed his hand over Steve's forehead. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Steve shifted on the bed but grimaced at the effort, and he motioned toward the water.

Danny helped him take a couple more sips. "I don't know. A bomb. Garage came down on us. A grenade and a pipe. Danny! You were injured. The rebar."

The pulse rate monitor on the screen next to the bed began beeping faster and Danny again ran his thumb over Steve's forehead in an effort to calm him down.

"Steve. Hey! Steven. I'm fine. We're fine. Chin and Kono are all okay, Grover too."

Steve nodded "...Good. Good." His eyes drifted closed as the monitor's beeps slowed in accordance with his partner's relaxed state.

Danny breathed a sigh of relief. The doctor mentioned there might be some trauma. With the damage done to Steve's body from the initial IED explosion and the added stress of the interrogation, Danny knew Steve was bound to be confused. If he could just hold off his questions for a little while longer. Let him get stronger and then they could deal with the repercussions from Steve's latest misadventure.

Danny moved his hand from Steve's forehead and stroked his partner's arm, wary of the bruises and bandages along his path. The tension lines on Steve's face reduced with each touch.

Without warning, Steve's eyes flew open and he gasped, "Catherine. Danny, where's Cath?"

Danny hung his head and took a deep breath. He had hoped this would be a conversation they wouldn't have to have right now, although Danny himself was desperate for answers.

He lifted his head and looked Steve in the eye.

Steve gripped Danny's hand, demanding answers. "Tell me Danny. Tell me where she is. Don't lie to me." The beeping of the monitors once again sped their tempo as Steve's breathing became shallow and rapid.

Swallowing hard, Danny squeezed Steve's forearm and let out a breath.

"That's just it, Steve. We don't know."

* * *

Danny stood at the doorway of the ICU and watched as the nurse adjusted the IV that ran into Steve's arm. She looked over the readouts from the blood pressure cuff and charted her findings. After checking the bag connected to the catheter she shook her head. Danny could tell she wasn't pleased with the results.

Danny wanted to find the rat that'd treated Steve like a punching bag and get him in the Interrogation room at Five-0 -- just that worthless excuse for a human and Danny... and his fists. No one should have to endure what Steve did, and all for the noble cause of rescuing a boy from terrorists. Children should be sacred. Danny's thoughts traveled back to when Grace was taken by Peterson. As frustrated as Danny was that Steve had taken off on yet another adventure to a foreign land, he could understand why he did it. But as Danny looked at his friend's battered face, his skin more black and blue than not; wounds on so many different places on his body; the unknown mental turmoil and the horrific physical torture... well, somehow it was too much. Danny knew that in their line of work, injuries were a part of the job, but this. This was too much.

And Cath. Where in the world was she?

Danny was confident Steve's frantic behavior upon learning that they didn't know where Cath was, was the most scared he'd ever seen McGarrett. Steve's wild-eyes and uncontrollable shaking were not something that Danny would forget in a long time. Most likely, ever. The incessant beeping of the monitor as Steve's heart rate skyrocketed had brought the nurse in within seconds. Only the quick stick of the sedative into his IV had kept Steve from having what Danny was sure would've been a full blown heart attack.

Danny wasn't sure how much more his partner could take. Steve was the strong one. Steve was the one who lived by the code "fear is a state of mind." Well, if that was the case, Danny's state of mind was off the charts because the only thing ruling it right now was fear; an overwhelming sense that Steve had finally reached the breaking point.

Danny was terrified.

"You can come back in, Detective." The nurse gave him a soft smile and nodded at the chair by the bed.

Danny crossed back over to the bed and gave Steve's arm a quick squeeze before settling in what had become his place of residence the past several hours. Seeing McGarrett so calm was almost disturbing. A small part of Danny nearly desired the crazed Steve from before rather than the almost unnaturally quiet one before him. Steve McGarrett, SuperSEAL was a man of action. This Steve...

"The sedative should keep him sleeping for the next few hours. Try as hard as you can to keep him calm when he does start to waken." The nurse glanced toward the bag hanging off the rail on the side of the bed. "I'm still not pleased with his kidney output...I'm afraid Dr. Rosen may have to consider other options if there's not some significant change in the next few hours."

Danny wasn't fluent in medical speak, but he knew enough to know what she was implying. Steve's kidneys were failing.

Danny scooted over closer to the bed and reached through the bars to grab Steve's hand.

Yep. Terrified. Danny's fearful state of mind looked to be only growing exponentially.

* * *

Danny could say he was surprised to walk into the ICU waiting room at Tripler and see the rest of the team there, but he would've been lying. Ohana. That's the word they'd taught him several years ago and it seemed to fit better than any other Danny could come up with.

Kono, a determined look on her face, paced the length of the waiting room, fingers flying over the keys to her phone. If Danny had to hazard a guess, she was seeing if Adam could pull some strings to help them figure out what in the world had happened in Afghanistan. Even though her boyfriend wasn't thick into the Yakuza anymore, he still had contacts all over the world. _Good girl, Kono._

Chin sat in the far corner in one of those hard plastic chairs that hospitals seem to produce in some back room somewhere. Tablet in hand, Chin's fingers were swiping across the screen. Danny smiled. Chin could never just sit still.

And then there was their newest and perhaps most unlikely addition to their little family. Danny spied Grover at the end of the hall, phone to ear. Danny wasn't sure what he was saying to the person on the other end of the phone, but his stance was one of defiance. Steve and Grover had forged an unlikely friendship in the past few months and Danny knew Grover wouldn't stop until he could get some answers.

Walking toward Chin, Danny's footsteps sounded his approach and Chin looked up and then jumped out of the chair. "Danny, how's he doing?"

Chin's question was just loud enough to garner Kono's attention, and she hurried down the hall to notify Grover. They both walked back toward the waiting room, expectant looks on their faces.

Danny took a deep breath. "Well, he woke up a little bit ago but was disoriented. He asked me if we'd all gotten out of the explosion."

Grover, Kono and Chin all exchanged puzzled looks. Kono finally gave voice to their concern. "Explosion? What explosion"

Danny folded his arms across his chest. "He thought we were in the aftermath of the parking garage explosion. He could remember him and me getting out but his memories are all jumbled and he thought... well, he got real confused. I told him everyone was fine and that seemed to relax him."

Chin nodded and squeezed Danny's shoulder. "It's a good thing you were there, brah. I'm sure seeing your face helped a lot."

Danny grimaced."Well, I'm not so sure. Something must have flashed in his mind and he woke up yelling and asking where was Cath. It was awful, man. I can't even describe the terror on his face when I had to tell him we didn't know."

"You told him we didn't know?"

Grover's incredulous response on any other day would've grated on Danny's nerves. But right now, Danny could understand it. "I know. I didn't want to tell him but he demanded I tell him the truth. His heart rate was going ninety to nothing and I was afraid he was going to keel over right there. I didn't think I could keep it from him. There've been too many secrets. His whole life has been people lying to him. I couldn't do it again."

Kono's arm came around his shoulder and she pressed her head to his. "It's okay. I'm sure we would've done the same thing. I'm just glad he's awake."

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Danny sighed. "He's not awake. He got so worked up they had to give him something to calm him down. He...he's not processing things well right now. The nurse gave him a shot in his IV and he's resting."

Kono slumped down in the chair behind her. "Oh bossman."

"That's not all."

All three heads popped back up. "What?"

"The doc's in with him right now. That's why I came out here. He wanted to do another examination. The nurse told me Steve's kidney output isn't what they hoped. And if it doesn't improve in the next little bit..."

Chin's face took an immediate downward turn. "What are they going to do? Did the nurse say?"

"No. But I reckon he could need dialysis or something? I don't know. Maybe surgery? Maybe there's a medicine that could help him?" Danny began pacing down the hall. "I don't know. I don't know anything except that if I could get my hands on the guy who did this to him..." Danny trailed off, fingers trying to strangle thin air. "And if someone, anyone could tell us where in the world Cath is. Why can't someone get us some answers?"

Kono stopped Danny in his tracks and looked him in the eye. "I've got Adam's people working on it. We're going to find this guy Danny. And surely the Navy will do something, don't you think? What about Joe? Should I try and contact him?"

Joe. Maybe that was an option. He'd been more responsive of late when Steve asked for help. Shoot, Joe'd been the one Cath had told him to call when Steve was captured. Without Joe's assistance, they wouldn't have been able to rescue Steve.

But Danny also couldn't help but think how Joe wanted him to keep information from Steve with regards to Doris. He hated to ask Joe for any more favors.

Secrets. All these secrets. Danny was getting pretty sick of it.

"Detective Williams?"

All four of them turned to see the middle-aged man in a white coat who'd just entered the room, yet it was Danny who rushed over, eager for any information on his friend.

"Dr. Rosen, do you have an update for us?"

The doctor's eyes softened. Danny didn't know if it was because he was going to bring good news or bad news."Please doc. Let us know about our friend."

"I ordered an ultrasound and it appears there is some sort of blockage affecting Commander McGarrett's kidneys; most likely a blood clot, which is not surprising due to his condition. Acute kidney failure would also account for some if not all of the confused state he's experienced. When our kidneys don't work properly, the whole body suffers."

Danny brought his fist to his mouth and took several deep breaths before responding. "A blood clot. That's dangerous right? I mean, it could kill him. What are you going to do about it?"

The doctor gestured to the chairs behind him. "Why don't we all sit down?"

Chin, Kono and Grover all moved to sit without saying a word. Danny couldn't get his brain to stop spinning. "I don't wanna sit down, doc. I want you to tell me what you're going to do for my partner."

"Danny."

The quiet yet stern word from Chin stopped Danny from going into a full-on rant. He knew it wasn't the time or the place, but Danny needed to vent. It was how he got through things like this. But he bit his lip and trudged over to the empty chair by the doctor.

"Initially, we're going to see if some blood thinners will do the trick. And we're going to hook Commander McGarrett up to dialysis so we can try and rid his body of any toxins that might be building up in his system. Hopefully that will do the trick."

Grover's normally brusque tone was uncharacteristically solemn. "And what if that doesn't work?"

"If those don't work, then we'll have to consider surgery to try and remove the clot. Although, given Command McGarrett's currently weakened state, we don't want to go that route. His body has been put under a tremendous strain. We have to be concerned about the possibility of pneumonia or other infections setting in. Our goal is to get Commander McGarrett as strong as possible before we have to subject him to any more intense trauma."

Acute Renal Failure. Dialysis. Surgery. Pneumonia. Infections.

Danny's head was spinning as the words replayed over and over in his mind. This was madness. Pure madness. Steve, who worked so hard to be in SEAL shape...now, his body was failing him.

Danny couldn't take it anymore. He jumped out of his seat and raced down the hallway toward the elevators. The sound of Kono saying his name floated across the air but he didn't acknowledge it. Danny needed air. The walls were closing in and he had to get some oxygen. This man, his best friend, who Danny liked to tease "could leap over tall buildings in a single bound while throwing grenades at a target the size of a pinhole", was most-likely dying.

And there wasn't a single thing Danny could do about it.


	2. Chapter 2

Danny pushed open the doors to exit Tripler and started walking. He wasn’t sure exactly where he was heading, but he knew he wanted to get away from the confines of the hospital. Part of him chastised himself... he was doing the exact opposite of what he had promised Steve. “In it for the long haul, huh? I couldn’t even make it one day without running away,” he muttered to himself as he dodged a mother and her small child who trudged up the sidewalk toward the medical center.

Shaking his head, he noticed a bench off in a grassy area adjacent to the parking lot and wandered over to sit down. He people watched for a few seconds, taking deep cleansing breaths in an attempt to calm down. How could people just go about their day in such a normal manner? Danny wanted to yell at them, “Don’t you know my friend could be dying? A Navy SEAL? The head of Five-0? A man who’d saved countless numbers of lives not only in Honolulu but all over the world. Don’t just act like it’s just another day in paradise! This is hell. An all-consuming hell on earth.”

Danny bent over, head in his hands, and stifled a sob. He had to get control of himself. Steve needed him to be strong. Danny had to get his state-of-mind out of the fear zone and into one that was more positive and encouraging. Steve wanted Danny to change his mindset from always being afraid of what might happen. Yet Danny didn’t think Steve going off and getting himself almost blown up and tortured was really the best way to make that happen.

He felt the gentle vibration of his cell phone in his front pocket. Part of him wanted to ignore it, but what if it was Chin or Kono with an update on Steve? He yanked the phone out and saw the beautiful face of his daughter staring back at him. Grace. What was he going to tell Grace? She loved her Uncle Steve so much. Taking a deep breath, he punched the button to answer and raised the phone to his ear.

“Hi Danno!”

The sound of her voice gripped his heart. So innocent and sweet. Just like the boy that Steve had gone to rescue.

“Hey Monkey! How are you?” Trying to hide his inner turmoil with an upbeat spirit, it galled Danny that he’d gotten to be proficient at hiding his true feelings from his daughter.

“Mommy said that you weren’t going to be able to pick me up from school today. Is everything okay?”

Danny bit his lip and thought about what he wanted to say. “Yeah, Monkey, I’m sorry. I’m actually with Uncle Chin, Auntie Kono and Captain Grover. Uncle Steve had an accident and is at the hospital. We’re staying with him for a little while.” He closed his eyes. Surely, that was a sufficient answer.

“An accident? Is Uncle Steve going to be okay?”

“Of course he is, Monkey. Isn’t he a SuperSEAL? He just needs a few days to get his strength back and then he’ll be out swimming with the sharks again real soon.” Danny hoped he wasn’t lying to his daughter. But maybe by telling her, he could convince himself it was possible and Steve would indeed be wreaking havoc all over the city in short order.

“Can I come see him, Danno? Do you think he’d like a visit from me?”

Danny tried to imagine Grace’s face if she saw Steve in his current state. It would probably scare her to death. Even though his daughter was almost a teenager, Danny wanted to shield her from the horrors of seeing the man she admired so battered and bruised. “You know what baby? I know he’d love a visit from you. Just not right now okay. He’s sleeping a lot, trying to get stronger. So as soon as he’s up for company, you’ll be first on the list. Okay?”

“If you’re sure Danno...”

“Would I lie to you, Monkey? I’ll go tell him right now, I promise. In fact, I better go check on him. You know if I don’t, he’ll be climbing out of bed before the doctors give the okay. Hey, remember, Danno loves you.”

“Tell Uncle Steve I love him and hope he’s feeling up for company real soon. I know you’re taking good care of him. I love you, Daddy. Bye.”

Danny stared at his phone before shoving it back in his pocket. Even Grace realized where Danny needed to be: by his best friend’s side and not out here on the sidewalk feeling sorry for himself.

Danny rubbed his eyes and stood up. Enough of this pity party. He had a promise to his daughter to keep.

* * *

Chin got to his feet as Danny approached. “You okay, Danny?”

Danny felt his cheeks warm and he reached around to rub his neck. “Yeah. I’m sorry...”

“The warm press of Chin’s hand on his shoulder stopped him and Chin looked him in the eye. “Hey. No worries, brah. You’re exhausted. Don’t mention it again.”

“Thanks man.” If there was a man more stoic under pressure than Chin-Ho Kelly, Danny doubted their existence. “Any update?”

Chin crossed his arms and shook his head. “The doctor left not too long after you did. Kono and Grover are both with Steve. She did text to say he’s still sleeping. It’s probably the best thing for him right now anyway.”

“Yeah. You’re right. Any word from Adam or anyone on Cath’s whereabouts? I’d love to have some kind of information the next time Steve asks. Because you know he will.”

Chin grimaced. “Nothing yet. I’m thinking of checking in with Joe.”

Danny threw his head back and scrunched his shoulders. “So much of me wants to say ‘no way’ because who knows if Joe’s telling us the truth, or a version of the truth or some far-fetched story that has one nugget of truth to it.” He backtracked to sit in one of the chairs lining the walls of the ICU waiting room, “But another part of me thinks, Joe’s got to know something. He says he loves Steve like his own so surely he wants to get to the bottom of all this.”

Danny pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes then rested his head on the back of the chair. He sensed Chin sitting down in the chair next to him but didn’t open his eyes.

“I know you’ve got reservations. But at this point, I think it’s all we’ve got left. Unless Adam can come through and we know that’s not a sure thing.”

Danny dropped his hands to the armrests and sighed. “Check Steve’s office at HQ. He’s got a number for Joe there. I used it to get in touch with him. Speaking of, see if Steve left his cell phone on his desk. If not, I’ll head over to the house later and look for it. The hospital staff couldn’t find it among his things earlier, so I’m guessing he didn’t take it with him on this insane expedition in Afghanistan.”

“Sure thing. I’ll call or text to let you know what I find out.” After a quick nudge of his knee against Danny’s, Chin took off down the hall toward the exit.

Danny checked his watch. It hadn’t even been 48 hours since he’d first heard about Steve’s capture, yet in some regards he felt like he’d been at the hospital for two weeks. His body needed some caffeine and sugar so he went off in search of a vending machine or in-house cafe.

After the quick swallow of what the hospital called coffee, he finished off the chocolate bar he’d purchased in four bites. Feeling somewhat more refreshed, Danny headed back to the ICU. He’d been away from Steve long enough.

He smiled when he saw Kono reading to Steve from a ragged magazine she must’ve picked up in the waiting room. It was unlikely Steve would care anything about the latest (or not so latest) happenings with the Hollywood world, but Danny suspected Kono thought the sound of her voice would provide some comfort.

Grover on the other hand had curled his oversized frame onto a small rolling stool. He appeared to be staying upright only by sheer will and fear of falling off his precarious perch.

“Hey Lou, if you move a centimeter you’re gonna be one giant splat in the floor.”

The captain of HPD’s SWAT team turned and frowned. “Not one more word Williams.”

“Seriously man, why don’t you head on home. You got a family to take care of. I’ve been fueled and I’m ready to take on sentry duty for a while.” He swung his foot out and tapped Kono on the toes. “You too. Go find Adam, spend some time with him. Maybe together you’ll come up with some idea of where we could find Cath.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind staying.” Kono’s eyes shone with unshed tears.

Danny crouched down in front of her and took her hand in his. “I know you don’t sweetie. But I’d like some more time with the big fella if you don’t mind. And if this goes on for a while, we may need to take turns sitting with him. Go home, get some rest. Kiss that lug of a boyfriend and I’ll call you if anything changes.”

She turned and looked at Steve and rubbed his arm. “I’ll be back later, bossman.” Standing, she bent over and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and brushed back a lock of hair that’d curled over his forehead. “You’re gonna be just fine, Steve. You’re the strongest man I know.”

Danny held his arms open and she walked into his embrace. “I promise I’ll call if anything changes. Hopefully the meds will do the trick and he’ll be up and driving us all crazy again really soon.”

Kono wiped an errant tear that threatened to slip down her cheek and smiled. “Sure. You bet.”

Grover patted him on the back and followed Kono out of the room. He stopped at the door before turning back towards Danny. “You’re a good friend, Danny. Steve’s really lucky to have you.”

Rocking back on his heels, Danny shoved his arms in his pockets. “Nah, man. I’m lucky to have him. And hey Lou, we’re all glad to have you as part of our team, as dubious as Five-0 might’ve seemed at the beginning.”

White teeth shone from Grover’s bright smile. “Me too, Danny. Me too. Take care of him and yourself.”

Danny stared at the empty doorway for a few seconds before turning his attention back to his sleeping partner. Dragging the chair back to the side of the bed, he then collapsed back into it and stared at the ceiling. “What d’ya know? There’s the same number of tiles that were here just a few hours ago.”

Reaching over to lay his hand on Steve’s, he whispered, “Gracie’s worried about you Steve. She wants to come visit and the only way that’ll happen is if you keep fighting, buddy. Okay? I don’t like it when Gracie’s upset. I know you don’t either, so rest up and get stronger alright. That way I don’t have to start doing what I hate, lying to my little girl. You got it?” He thought he felt a gentle pressure against his hand, but couldn’t detect any change in his friend otherwise.

Danny closed his eyes and settled back into the seat, content to listen to the beeping of the monitors. As long as Steve’s heart rate stayed at this rate, Danny wouldn’t worry.

Much.

* * *

Danny heard the nurse enter the room, so he eased himself out of the chair to give her more access to Steve. His watch told him it’d been a couple of hours since he’d last checked. Steve should be rousing anytime now based on what the nurse had told him earlier. He leaned against the far wall of Steve’s room and watched her go through her usual ritual of checking his temperature, blood pressure and the most important thing to Danny right now... Steve’s urine output. Unfortunately, to Danny’s not-so medical eye, it didn’t look like that had improved any since they’d given his partner the anti-clotting meds. Danny sighed. Steve certainly never made anything easy.

The pretty blonde nurse, Danny thought her name was Lydia, turned her attention to the bags hanging from the IV pole and recorded her findings. She charted everything on the laptop that was connected to a desk not too far from Steve’s bed. Danny tried to understand the medical jargon she input into the computer and frowned. Now was the time he wished he’d taken a few medical classes so he’d know what she was writing about his partner.

Danny walked back over and sat on the edge of the bed to observe Steve. He’d definitely relaxed with the use of the sedative. There’d been no nightmares and terrors or whatever it was Steve had experienced before. Danny was relieved because hopefully that meant Steve was getting nothing but pure unadulterated rest. When he woke up, Danny imagined they’d have to fight to keep him in bed. As much as it would hurt Danny, telling the Doc to restrain him, he would if it was necessary. Lord knows he’d wished a million times for something to keep Steve from doing something nutso in the past few years. This time, Steve was just going to have to stay put.

He glanced over to the nurse. “So, Lydia, it’s Lydia right? I’m guessing there’s not much improvement in the old catheter bag?”

The blonde turned her head to Danny and with a frown shook her head. “Not like we had hoped.”

Danny rolled his neck and shoulders and released a deep breath. “Okay. What’s next then?”

Lydia faced Danny, clipboard held close to her chest. “I’ll let Dr. Rosen know there’s not much change. I imagine he’ll want to do another ultrasound. We’ll have to get him hooked up to dialysis soon. Urine output helps relieve the body of unwanted toxins and Commander McGarrett doesn’t need any more problems that could keep his body from healing.”

Danny kept his eyes glued to his best friend. _Come on buddy, fight this._ “Yeah.”

Lydia stepped closer to the bed. “I know you’re worried. Kidney failure is very serious. But he’s a strong man. He’s been through a lot, but having you here and his other friends... well, I know it helps. Don’t give up on him just yet.” She rested her hand on Danny’s back for a second and then started for the door. “I’ll let you know what Dr. Rosen thinks the next step should be.”

Danny stared at the wall and shook his head, muttering to himself. “I couldn’t give up on him if I tried. He’s my best friend.”

“You talkin’ to walls now, D?”

Danny knew his smile had to be a mile wide when he saw Steve looking at him through hooded eyes. “Hey Sleeping Beauty! You decided to grace us with your presence?”

Danny crept closer to the head of the bed and placed a hand on Steve’s still warm forehead. “How you feeling?”

Steve closed his eyes and shifted around, as if to take mental stock of his body’s situation. “Kinda numb but sore at the same time.”

“Yeah babe, you’ve had a rough go of it the past little bit. I think you’re more black and blue than Hawaiian tan right now.”

McGarrett lifted his arm that was connected to the IV. “What’re they loading me up with?”

“Well, you know I’m a medical professional, right, so speaking as,” -- Danny held his hands up to form air quotes “--Doctor’ Williams... there’s all kinds of things running through these tubes. Stuff to get you better. Is that a good enough answer?”

Steve’s face didn’t change one iota. “Danny. Give me the lowdown.”

As long as Steve was concerned about his own health, then perhaps thoughts of Catherine wouldn’t be brought to the forefront. At least Danny could provide some info about Steve’s medical status. Catherine’s status was still a mystery. Chin had located Steve’s cell-phone at the office and also the number for Joe White. All Chin had gotten was a voicemail recording. He’d left a plea for Joe to call back but so far they’d not heard from the retired naval commander. At this point, Danny didn’t know if that was good news or bad news in the grand scheme of things.

Danny pointed to various places on Steve’s body as he talked. “Well, here’s the deal babe. You’ve got several cracked ribs, a broken wrist and so many lacerations that they decided to call in the folks from the local quilting club to stitch you up. You’ve never seen so many grey-haired grannies in your life.”

His friend’s face never cracked a smile.

“What else is going on Danny? I can see it on your face.”

Danny frowned. Steve always could read him like a book.

Danny placed his arms on the hospital bed on either side of Steve’s legs.

“So here’s the deal. The main concern right now buddy is your kidneys. Apparently, they took a hit or two or ten and they’ve decided that working properly is not their number one priority. The doc’s run an ultrasound and it looks like you’ve got a blood clot somewhere that’s keeping things from running like they should. They’re shooting you up with some heparin or something akin to it to try and knock it out.”

“And...”

“If that doesn’t work, they’ll go in and try to surgically remove the clot. You’ll most likely be going on dialysis for a while too to try and get your body rid of all the junk it’s built up.”

“Hmm.”

Danny was somewhat incredulous at Steve’s reaction. “ _Hmm?_ That’s all you got for me right now?”

“What else do you want me to say Danny? What can I do but just sit here and wait for something to work. I know you think I have some kind of super powers but I can’t sit here and force the blood clot to go away with the power of my mind.”

To say Danny was shocked at Steve’s reaction would be a grand understatement. Danny was sure his partner would be chomping at the bit to rip all the tubes off and go about his day, blood clot or not. At least, it’s the way he generally reacted in the past to any type of medical trauma.

“Okay Steve. I didn’t mean to imply that I expected you to go all mind-meld on your injuries. I just expected a different reaction.”

“Sorry to disappoint you Danny. I guess I’m just feeling pretty rough right now.” Steve closed his eyes. “You know what D. I think I’m just gonna try and sleep some more so you can go on home. I’ll be fine.”

“Babe, wait...

“Steve turned his head to the side, facing away from Danny. “Go on home Danny. I’ll see you later.”

For the first time in a long while, Danny was speechless. He got up from the bed and stared at Steve for a few moments, waiting for some kind of word that let him know Steve was only joking. But none came. This wasn’t the guy who fought off a criminal while his arm was encased in a plaster cast. Nor was it the one who jumped out of ambulances, climbed fences, stole police cars and leapt onto yachts -- and all after he’d been stabbed in the gut by a man with a shiv.

Danny didn’t know where that guy was, but the Steve McGarrett before him was scaring him more than the wild and reckless Steve ever could.


	3. Chapter 3

“I sure didn’t expect to find you out here.”

Danny opened his eyes to see the imposing form of Lou standing over him, a cup of coffee from one of Danny’s favorite cafes held in his outstretched hand. Danny extended his arms over the adjacent chairs and then glanced at his watch. Hmm. Danny was getting to be proficient at falling asleep in hard plastic hospital chairs. Nodding a silent, “Thank you,” he took the tall cup of Kona and inhaled a whiff before sipping the hot brew.

The SWAT captain sat down next to him. “What’s got you out here and not in there with him?”

“Well, if you must know, I’m out here because Steve told me to leave. Said he didn’t need me hanging around in there.” Danny placed the coffee on the armrest and rubbed the back of his neck.

Grover’s posture relaxed and he sat back in the chair. “Ah! He’s feeling better then I take it?”

“That’s just it Lou. You’ve never been around Steve after he’s been through a rough patch. You know McGarrett, always a man of action. I figured as soon as he woke up he’d be fighting with the doctors to get out of here no matter if he needed a heart transplant.” Danny leaned his head against the wall and stretched his neck. He needed a chiropractor. Or a masseuse. Maybe both.

The big man nodded. “Yeah, he’s been through quite an ordeal. Maybe’s he actually had a rational thought that he should stay put for a while.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. It’s like the fire’s gone. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Grover leaned over and got close. “Steve ever talk to you about some nightmares he’s been having the past few weeks?”

Nightmares? Grover didn’t know what he was talking about. If Steve was having nightmares, he’d know.

“What? Nightmares? He’s not having nightmares.”

“Look Danny. I’m not saying you don’t know your friend. In fact, I’d hazard to say you know him better than anyone... but there’s some things that are so tough for a person to go through...”

Exasperation began to take hold and Danny felt himself getting worked up. “Look Lou. I know you think you’re helping but really. Steve and I, we’re like brothers. I’d know if he was having trouble sleeping, alright?”

“Danny. Listen to me. Sometimes a person can be going through a hard time and the people closest to them can’t see it. And that person, well, he finds it hard to share his difficulties with friends, especially a close friend.”

Danny sighed and spun through his last few interactions with Steve prior to his jaunt to Afghanistan. Did he seem different somehow? Sure Steve seemed a bit more stressed lately. They all were. Buildings had blown up with them in it and CIA agents were stifling Steve’s crazy mission to know more about Wo Fat. But they’d had their share of laughs recently too.

Had he missed something? Nah. Grover was nuts.

Standing, Danny turned and tipped his cup in Grover’s direction. “Look Lou, I appreciate you trying to tell me about my friend, but in all honesty, I think I know him a bit better than you. But thanks. Really. And thanks for the coffee. I appreciate it.”

Lou raised his eyebrows, pursed his lips and nodded. “Maybe so, Danny. Maybe so.” Lifting himself out of the chair, Grover reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys. “I gotta go into work and see if anything’s come up through the grapevine with any of my contacts. Tell Steve I asked about him.”

He turned to leave before stopping and facing Danny again. “I’m certainly not trying to infringe on your and Steve’s friendship. But remember what I said. Sometimes, we don’t share our most difficult secrets with the people we’re the closest to.”

Danny watched Lou amble down the hallway and enter the elevator.

Doubts started to creep in. Maybe Steve was hiding something. He did take off to Japan not so long ago with only a “Dear Danno” note in his wake. But they’d talked about that. Steve had taken Danny to Cambodia with him, and even though it turned out to be somewhat a lost cause, Danny considered it a small victory to have been included. Although he’d never tell McGarrett that.

Steve wouldn’t keep things from him.

Would he.

* * *

Danny checked the clock on the wall. 6:30 am. He wasn’t going to wait any longer and tossed his coffee cup in the trash before heading through the doors into ICU. Lydia, Steve’s nurse, glanced up from the nurses’ station. “Detective Williams, can I speak with you a moment?”

Danny changed direction from Steve’s ICU cubicle and headed instead to speak to Lydia. “Hi Lydia.”

Grabbing a chart from her desk, she stood. “Commander McGarrett had a pretty restless night. He’s been a bit nauseous but that’s most like because of his kidney issues. I pushed some anti-nausea and some pain meds and he’s a bit more comfortable, although his fever’s not going down like we hoped. Dr. Rosen will be by in the next hour or so to check on him and we’ve got him scheduled for a minor procedure to prep him for dialysis after that.”

“A minor procedure?” Any procedure at this point, simple or not, made Danny nervous.

Lydia tilted her head and smiled. “In order for Commander McGarrett to receive dialysis treatment, we’ll have to create a vascular access to reach his blood. Dr. Rosen has scheduled for him to have a venous catheter installed. The surgeon will insert a catheter into a vein in Commander McGarrett’s leg and that will allow for his blood to be removed and then returned.”

Danny rubbed his hand across his mouth and tried to process all the information he’d been given. “Okay. Um, wow. There’s more to dialysis than I realized. Is he well-enough to have this procedure done?”

“Danny, while we’re worried about Steve’s fever, we’re more concerned about his kidneys functioning properly.”

He noted that, for the first time, Lydia used his partner’s first name instead of his rank. The pit in his stomach grew wider and wider with each passing moment. “I get that. I just... I’m worried.”

Reaching across the desk, she placed her hand on Danny’s arm. “I know. We’re going to take good care of him. I promise.” She gave his arm a gentle squeeze and sat back down. “Go on in and visit with him. He’ll be gone for a while when we perform the procedure.”

Nodding, Danny made his way to Steve’s room and paused at the entrance to look at his friend.

He seemed to be resting well now; the meds seemed to be doing their job at keeping the pain at bay.

Danny walked over and, after sitting in his now too familiar chair, leaned forward and pressed his hand on Steve’s forehead. Lydia was right; his partner was still too warm for his liking. He suspected Steve was going to get another round of antibiotics soon.

McGarrett’s head turned Danny’s direction and after a few seconds he woke. Danny could see the glaze of pain meds in Steve’s eyes. “Hey babe.”

It seemed to take a few moments for Steve to process Danny’s presence. “Hey D.”

“Lydia said you had a rough night. Were you in pain?”

Steve closed his eyes. Danny didn’t know if he’d fallen back asleep or was just gathering his thoughts.

Eventually, Steve spoke but kept his eyes closed. “I’m okay. My stomach’s kinda upset. They gave me some meds that helped.”

Danny perched on the bed and nodded. “Ah. The world’s been spinning some? Glad the medicine seems to be working for you.” Steve raised a couple of fingers but didn’t respond beyond that.

Lou’s comments played in Danny’s mind, and he fought himself on whether to ask the question, finally deciding what could it hurt.

He reached out to straighten the sheet that had slipped off Steve’s leg during the night. “Was there anything else keeping you from getting a good night’s sleep? Besides the obvious, I mean.”

There was a long pause before Steve answered. “What’re you talking about Danny?”

Danny stopped adjusting the sheets and looked Steve in the eye. “I mean, were you having nightmares or something?”

Steve’s eyes narrowed. “Nightmares?”

“You’ve been through a rough few days even before all this. Lou mentioned...”

“Lou? Lou was here?”

“Yeah he was here. He was worried about you, you dope.” Danny got off the bed and began pacing. “Anyway, Lou might’ve asked me about the nightmares you’ve been having. I didn’t know what he was talking about. You’ve never told me you were having nightmares.” He stopped and faced the bed. “Are you having nightmares Steve?”

Steve’s jaw twitched but he said nothing.

“Babe, it’s okay. You’ve been going through a lot... ”

“Danny.”

Danny resumed pacing next to Steve’s bed. “I told him he was nuts because if anyone knew you, I would. But he seemed to think... ”

“Daniel.”

The anger in Steve’s tone stopped Danny in his tracks.

Whatever Danny was going to say next was put on pause by the arrival of Dr. Rosen. “Good morning Command McGarrett. How are you feeling today?” When Steve didn’t look like he planned to respond, the Doctor continued. “I don’t know if Danny told you but we’ve got a few things on the schedule for you today... ”

Steve pressed his good arm into the bed to try and help him move into a more upright position. Danny reached over to help, but stopped when Steve gave him a look that would burn through the hardest steel.

After several seconds of grimace-inducing movements, Steve relaxed against the bed and stared at Danny. “Danny didn’t mention that Dr. Rosen. But that’s okay. Danny has to be getting to work, don’t you Daniel.”

Realizing he’d crossed some line he didn’t even know existed, Danny stepped back and nodded. “Uh, yeah. I guess I do. I’ll check on you later Steve.”

Steve didn’t give him a second look, instead focusing his attention on Dr. Rosen.

Danny glanced from the doctor to Steve, then turned and left the room.

Lou was right.

There was a lot to Steve he didn’t know.

For some reason, that scared Danny more than he wanted to admit.

* * *

Steve’s couch at Five-0 Headquarters was at least more comfortable than the chair at the hospital. That was the only positive Danny could come up with right now. Resting his head on the arm of the leather sofa that occupied Steve’s office, Danny pondered their latest interaction. He knew Steve’d experienced horrific things as a SEAL. Some of them he’d heard reference to, but McGarrett chalked a lot of them up to “I can’t tell you or I’d have to kill you.”

But Lou knew things that Danny didn’t.

That bothered him. A lot.

Why would Steve keep things from him? What was his partner afraid of? For McGarrett to tell Danny that “fear is a state of mind” and yet, apparently, suffer from his own secret terrors... seemed hypocritical. Danny lightly pounded his fists against his head. Steve was laid up in hospital, and Danny was worried about Steve keeping secrets from him?

The lights flickered on in the ops center of HQ and Chin appeared in the doorway. “What’s up brah? Did you sleep here last night?”

Danny turned on his side toward his friend and sighed. “Nah. I got here about thirty minutes ago.”

“How’s McGarrett? Any improvement?”

Rubbing his eyes, Danny shook his head. “Not really. When I left they were prepping him for a procedure so they could start dialysis.”

Chin leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms. “No disrespect Danny, but I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you’d be with Steve.”

“Yeah. Well, Steve made it clear in no uncertain terms he didn’t want me there today.”

“What?” Chin crossed over and pulled one of Steve’s guest chairs around to sit and face Danny.

“Chin, have you noticed anything different about Steve lately? I mean before the Afghanistan trip?”

Chin propped his arm on the arm of the chair and shook his head. “I don’t think so. I mean, we’ve all had some rough days recently with the bombing and such, but Steve’s been Steve as far as I can tell. But then you know him better than the rest of us.

Danny chuckled to himself. Apparently not.

He opened his mouth to tell Chin about his conversation with Lou and then paused. What if he’d be sharing too much? Steve wasn’t thrilled when Danny talked to him about his nightmares. But this was Chin. Steve trusted him with his life. Danny knew he could trust him with this. “Lou came by this morning and said Steve’d been dealing with nightmares. When I mentioned them to Steve, he shut me down faster than anything and pretty much let me know right then and there that I needed to leave.”

“Danny, Steve’s a proud man. I doubt he’s just going to announce to the world that he’s having some issues.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Danny sat up and stretched his weary muscles. “Where are we on finding Cath? Anything?”

His friend frowned before answering. “Nothing. Adam’s still reaching out, Grover is as well and I’ve not heard one word from Joe, which is surprising.”

Danny cocked his head and frowned. “Surprising?”

“Yeah. I mean, all we got from Steve before he left was that he was going to help Cath find her friend’s boy, right? There’s no way they could do that without help. Steve had to call Joe. Was Joe surprised when you called to say the mission went sideways?”

Danny thought back. Joe hadn’t seemed shocked at all when Danny had told him Steve was in Afghanistan. “I was so upset about Cath’s phone call, I didn’t even think about that. Joe knew about the whole thing.” Danny slid his hands over his hair to try and tame the unruly strands that’d resulted from laying on the couch. “Why won’t he call us back? You know he’s got to know something.”

Joe and Steve were certainly cut from the same cloth. What was it about this code of Navy SEALs that caused them to do reckless things and have the support of their former COs in the process?

“We’ll keep reaching out to anyone we can. You oughtta got home and get a shower Danny. Maybe take more than a thirty-minute nap, all right? You won’t survive with the little amount of rest you’ve been getting.”

Danny knew Chin was right, but now something was bugging him. Joe had to know more about Steve and Cath’s mission. Danny knew it. There was a reason Joe wasn’t giving the team more info. Surely he wasn’t afraid of the repercussions of the mission, otherwise he wouldn’t have assisted them. Nope. There had to be more.

When Steve got better, Danny was just going to have to take a trip to Montana and see Joe in person, if that’s what it would take to get some answers. Shoot, if Steve could fly off to Afghanistan, a trip to the mainland wasn’t that big a deal for Danny.

* * *

Danny looked at the after-action report, the words swimming before his eyes. Even the quick shower and thirty-minute power nap hadn’t fully taken the exhaustion from him. He knew he’d looked at the clock on his wall at Five-0 Headquarters at least fifty times. He couldn’t get his mind off of Steve and what could possibly be happening at the hospital. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts so he could finish the report.

“You’ve been at that for a while, Danny. Why don’t you take a break?”

Kono’s gentle voice wafted through the office and he looked up and smiled.

“I gotta get this done while it’s somewhat fresh on my mind.”

She crossed the office and sat on the corner of his desk, hand outstretched. “It’s okay Danny. Chin and I can handle it; you’ve got a lot going on.” She curled her fingers as if to say “gimme” and raised an eyebrow.

He laughed and slid the papers over toward her. “Thanks. I think I’ve written the same thing at least three times but it still sounds, well, farfetched. And McGarrett didn’t even have anything to do with it this time.”

Kono brushed a strand of her dark hair out of her face and smiled. “Speaking of, any word from the hospital?”

Danny leaned back in his chair and shook his head. “No. And it’s driving me crazy. I hate that he’s shut me out. I know he’s hurting and processing and whatever else, but he’s gotta know we’re his family and we care about him.”

“He does Danny. I know he does. I think he just needs some time to accept the limitations his body’s given him. Not many people of his physical strength can deal with hearing they need to rely on a machine for their body to fully function. I remember when I heard I couldn’t surf competitively again. I was a bear to deal with. I can’t imagine what Steve’s going through, being on dialysis while Cath is who knows where. That’s a lot for any one person to deal with.”

“Yeah. I get that. But there’s more to it than that. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. And Joe. What’s the deal with Joe not getting back in touch with us?

She leaned over and looked him in the eye. “Well Danny, if there’s one thing I know about you it’s this: you’re loyal and you don’t usually take no for an answer.” Kono stood and started for the door. “We’ll take care of these reports and getting info on Cath. You just focus on taking care of Steve.”

Danny stood up and grabbed his keys. “I’m heading over there. No matter what he thinks.”

Kono smiled and pecked him on the cheek. “That’s Ohana, brah. He’s still learning how to rely on us. He’ll come around. Tell him I asked after him and I’ll be by to see him after work.”

“Thanks. I’ll do it.”

Steve might think he could put up a barrier the size of the Great Wall of China, but Danny wasn’t going to let him deal with this by himself.


	4. Chapter 4

A different nurse was at the desk when Danny entered the ICU area. He couldn’t place her face so he decided he should check in before waltzing into Steve’s room.

Just in case, he flashed his badge as he approached the desk, noting her name on her badge. “Hi Elani. I’m Detective Williams and I’m Commander McGarrett’s partner. I had to go to work for a bit so is there any kind of update on him?”

She glanced at his badge before focusing her attention on her computer while typing at the keyboard. “Commander McGarrett had his catheter inserted this morning. The procedure went well and after he recovers from the light sedation her received, he’ll be taken over to the nephrology lab to begin dialysis. He’s still running a slight temperature but Dr. Rosen upped his antibiotics to combat that. Command McGarrett was resting last time I checked but he should be more alert as the afternoon progresses. Just know he may have trouble tracking the conversation for a little while.”

Internally, Danny’s nerves relaxed somewhat. At least the procedure had gone well. Now to see if the icy reaction to Danny’s presence would make reappearance. “Thanks Elani. I appreciate the info.”

Steve appeared to be sleeping and he didn’t acknowledge Danny’s appearance when he walked in the door. It looked like the swelling around his eye had gone down some, but garish bruising still marked most of his face. Danny reached out to touch his friend, but held back at the last second, not wanting to invite a bad reaction to his being there. He’d just sit and relish in his partner’s recovery, slow as it seemed to be.

Danny eyed the urine collection bag, having not noticed it this morning. Whatever meds they were giving him hadn’t seemed to change the output enough since dialysis was forthcoming. He surmised the blood clot was still causing some angst. “You never do anything halfway.”

He regretted not stopping for a cup of coffee on the way in. An overwhelming sense of exhaustion was slowly eking its way into the depth of his very being. But as tired as he was physically, mentally his brain kept spinning. Thoughts went round and round like a Ferris wheel searching for answers to the thousands of questions that kept popping up as the hours passed since Steve’s rescue.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he dug it out to see a text message from Lou on the screen. “Handled.”

Well, that was one less thing to worry about. Danny’d totally forgotten to update the Governor on the happenings of one Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett, and he’d decided to call in a favor to Lou to see if he’d take care of it. For as much as Grover blustered and bolstered, he was turning out to be a great non-official member of the Five-0 family.

Family. Their little ohana had once again been reduced with Cath’s disappearance. He’d enjoyed getting to know her better and they’d all relished the extra set of eyes and ears on their recent cases. Danny hoped and prayed that wherever Cath found herself, she was safe.

A slight motion caught Danny’s eye and he returned his attention to his friend. Steve was beginning to stir. The heart rate monitor quickened and Steve’s head began moving side-to-side on his pillow. Danny began to think maybe he was wrong. Steve’s stirring wasn’t from waking up but from something else.

Steve’s eyelids flickered and he mumbled under his breath. Torn between calling the nurse and trying to absorb what was happening, Danny leaned over and pressed his hand to Steve’s forehead while simultaneously pressing the nurse’s call button. Steve’s mumbling became more coherent with each frantic breath “Freddie... Freddie. You can’t stay behind. I won’t leave you. Cath... Cath? Did you save the children? Cath is Freddie with you? No. No. Please. No. Help me. Someone help me.”

Danny’s heart broke at the realization that this was what Lou must have been talking about. Nightmares of Steve’s past trauma with Freddie were now mixed with his most recent experience with Catherine and the Taliban. “Hey. Hey...Steven. You’re okay.” He exerted pressure on Steve’s forehead and lightly pressed on his shoulder. “Babe. Babe, calm down.”

Elani rushed in and checked the readouts on the monitor.

Danny glanced in her direction. “He’s in the throws of a nightmare. Didn’t you say he’d been sedated?”

She crossed to the other side of the bed and checked the IV. “It was a light sedation so it’s entirely possible it’s left his system by now.” Elani grabbed Steve’s arm and began to lightly massage it. “Commander McGarrett, can you hear me? You’re okay. Do you understand me?”

Danny continued his ministrations of rubbing Steve’s forehead and shoulder. “Babe. You’re safe. I promise you’re safe.”

After several seconds of their repeated pleas for Steve to calm down, Danny sensed Steve relaxing. The heart rate monitor’s beeping dropped to a more normal rhythm and his breathing slowed in conjunction. After several more seconds, Steve’s eyes opened.

“Hey partner. You with me?”

Steve glanced in his direction before looking over at Elani. Danny wasn’t sure Steve was fully present with them.

“Commander McGarrett. Do you know where you are?” The soft timbre of Elani’s voice continued to draw Steve’s attention. “You’re okay Commander McGarrett. You’ve had a rough couple of days and you’re bound to be confused.”

His eyes darted back to Danny. “D?”

“Yeah buddy. Right here.” Danny could feel a slight tremble of Steve’s muscles under his fingers. “We’re all here in good old Oahu.” It was a sense of deja vu, Steve’s terrors and subsequent confusion. Similar to what had happened a couple of days ago, but now Danny knew it went beyond a simple reaction to the events in Afghanistan.

As the minutes progressed, Danny could sense Steve shutting down. The confused look on his face was now replaced by what Danny could only call shame. Steve turned his head away and whispered. “I’m okay now Danny. Thanks but you can go.”

He wasn’t going to let him do this again. No more shutting him out. “Steve, you’re nuts if you think I’m going to leave you alone. You’re not okay. You hear me?”

Steve refused to look at him and shook his head. “Please Danny. Just... just go.”

“Steven. I’m sorry but that’s not gonna happen. You’ve got to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on... You hear me Steve...”

“Danny. Let him be.”

Danny was confident he knew the voice that had interrupted him. It was confirmed when he turned to the door, anger reaching a boiling point when he recognized the person standing there.

Joe White.

* * *

“You’re kidding me. You just show up, do ya? We’ve been desperate for information and you can’t call and say ‘I’m on my way?’ Might’ve saved some stress Joe.” Danny felt the heat rising as his frustration with the whole situation bubbled over.

Joe didn’t move from his spot and didn’t say a word. Steve on the other hand made an effort to get up from his bed. “Joe...You’ve got info on Cath? You know where she is?”

Seeing Steve struggle sent Danny and Joe both racing to the bed while Elani did her best to keep him horizontal. “Commander McGarrett, you’ve got to remain calm or you’re going to hurt yourself.”

Steve waved at the hands trying to keep him restrained, breath huffing at the exertion. “Tell me Joe. What do you know?”

His bald-headed former mentor leaned over and pressed his hand to Steve’s chest. “Calm down son. I’m still trying to get some intel on that. I came to see how you’re doing.”

Steve’s eyes darted around the room and he grabbed Joe by the shirt, hand shaking from the effort. “I’m good. I need to find Cath but they’ve got me hooked up to all these wires and tubes. You can help me Joe. I know. Get me outta here. Please.”

“Commander McGarrett, please relax or I’ll have to give you something to calm you down.” Elani checked the heart rate monitor, eyes widening as Steve’s pulse skyrocketed.

Dr. Rosen must’ve heard the commotion because he appeared at Steve’s bedside. “Commander McGarrett, I need you to sit back and breathe deep for me.”

Danny pleaded with his partner. “Babe. You heard ‘em. You gotta calm down, okay. You can’t help Cath if you’re in surgery for yanking your insides all out of place.”

Steve wouldn’t hear of it and continued to tug on Joe’s shirt, desperation highlighting his battered face. “Joe, come on Joe. Do something. You can do something.”

Looking toward Elani, Dr. Rosen jerked his head toward the door. “Get him 10mg Diazepam.” Elani ran from the room and returned in short order with a solution-filled syringe. She slowly plunged the dose into Steve’s IV. Within seconds Steve’s muscles relaxed and he lay back on the bed, eyes closed yet still mouthing words Danny couldn’t understand. Finally Steve succumbed to the meds.

Dr. Rosen analyzed Steve’s monitors and sighed. “Gentlemen, I think it would be best if you all stepped outside for a while and let the Commander get some rest. He’ll need his strength to fight off the infection and for that to happen we need him calm and relaxed.”

Danny looked at Joe. Why was it that Steve’s former CO was always causing trouble? For someone who claimed to care about Steve, he sure had a funny way of showing it.

Joe raised his eyebrows and motioned toward the door. After a few seconds and another quick glance at Steve, Danny nodded his head and led them out of Steve’s room and into the ICU waiting room down the hall.

Once they were clear of the ICU doors, Danny spun around and pointed at Joe. Whispering as loud as he could without bothering the other occupants of the room, Danny got in White’s face. “What are you doing, Joe? You knew your showing up like that would set him off! For once in your life, think about the well-being of this man you call ‘son’ and treat him like one!”

Joe didn’t back down and instead stepped more into Danny’s space. “I had to check on him. After I got your message I had to see for myself that he was okay. Clearly, that’s not the case.”

Rubbing his hands over his face, Danny let out a deep breath, “Just answer me one thing. When I called you to say Steve was in trouble, you weren’t surprised, were you? You knew he and Cath had gone to Afghanistan. You helped them get there, didn’t you?”

“That’s neither here nor there right now. I’m trying to do what’s best to help Steve now. When I started digging up info on Lieutenant Rollins whereabouts, I got access to something. Something I think it would be good for you to see.”

Danny backed down and clenched his fists. The tension headache he’d been battling for the past 48 hours reared up and punched him between the eyes. “What is this all important thing I need to take a look at?”

Joe shook his head. “Not here. We need to go to HQ or see if they have a private conference room here we can use. It’s not for the faint of heart but it will give you better insight into Steve’s behavior.”

A ball of nerves took up residence in the pit of Danny’s stomach. The hits just kept on coming.

“Steve’ll be out for a while, let’s go over to HQ. I’ll call Chin and Kono and have them meet us there.” Danny started for the elevators.

Joe grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him from walking down the hall. “You might want to wait on that Danny. Why don’t you see what I’ve got to show you before deciding to share it with the team?”

The normally calm and evasive former SEAL commander had a look Danny could only describe as tense. “All right Joe. No team viewing at first. But I reserve the right to bring them in later if I want.”

“Deal. I gotta tell you Danny. It’s not an easy thing to take in.”

Something had Joe spooked. What could Joe’ve seen that had him this upset?

Punching the button for the elevator, Danny sighed. He was going to have to stop at the pharmacy on the way to HQ and buy a gallon of antacids. His nerves couldn’t handle much more of this.

* * *

When they arrived at HQ, the lights were off, indicating Chin and Kono had headed home for the day. Danny took the flash drive Joe proffered and placed it on the center console and began tapping the screen so they could view the file Joe had loaded on there. He muttered to himself, “Chin would’ve had this up five minutes ago.” Swiping his fingers across the console, the file appeared on the screens in front of them.

Joe gestured toward the screen. “I got a copy of this from one of my SEAL contacts. They found a video camera when they went in to rescue Steve and pulled this from the memory card.”

Danny didn’t say a word as the image of two Taliban insurgents appeared. Between them, they held a kneeling Steve, head bowed. A third person stood behind them, ranting about peace and making threats. It was then Steve raised his head. Bloody, eyes swollen and a look of seeming acquiescence on his face.

Danny stifled the urge to throw up.

But then, in a moment of surprise, Steve threw back his head, sending the leader reeling as Steve knocked the other men together and charged for the door, before being hit in the stomach by the butt of a rifle and thrown to the dirt. Steve fought his captors only to be rewarded by another powerful punch to his gut leaving him helpless. Enraged by Steve’s defiance, his captors wrangled him back up off the ground. The leader, holding Steve by his hair, screamed in Arabic while clutching a machete over Steve’s head.

It wasn’t the leader or the captives that drew Danny’s attention. It was the look on his partner’s face. One of absolute terror. Danny knew a lot of Steve’s looks. But this one he had never seen before, and he closed his eyes to try and stop the image from entering his mind.

A gut-wrenching scream came from the video. Danny knew it was Steve.

He couldn’t take it anymore. Danny punched buttons on the console, desperate to get the video to stop playing. Finally, after several moments, the screen went dark and silence filled the room.

Danny scrunched his eyes and bent over at the waist, taking deep breaths to try and gain some semblance of control. He couldn’t get the image of Steve’s panicked face out of his mind. No wonder he was having nightmares. Steve’d come within seconds of being beheaded.

He couldn’t stop his stomach from rolling. Knocking Joe out of the way, Danny took off for the men’s room and reached the sink in time to expel the meager contents of food he’d eaten in the past few days. He turned on the faucet and cupped his hand under the water to contain some of the liquid, swishing it around in his mouth and trying to wash away the horrible aftertaste of the bile that remained. He grabbed a paper towel and wet it, wiping his forehead and neck.

Danny looked at his reflection in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes stared back at him, only to be replaced by the vision of Steve’s dirty bloody face screaming in horror. Danny punched the mirror, furious when the glass didn’t shatter. Grabbing hold of the paper towel dispenser he snatched it off the wall, and threw it against the concrete wall of the men’s room. It crumpled from the impact and towels scattered around the room.

He rubbed his eyes, surprised to find his hands come away moist. He shook his head in attempt to rid the sorrow from his mind.

Without any thought of consequence he punched the wall of the stall over and over and over until his energy was depleted, knuckles bruised and bloodied from the impact. Finally, he collapsed on the cold hard tile, back against the stall. Breathing hard, he pressed his hands to his forehead as he attempted to regain some sense of control.


	5. Chapter 5

A rapping on the bathroom door motivated Danny to get up off the floor. He wiped his hands over his face. He had to pull it together. Steve needed him now more than ever.

The tapping continued and Joe’s voice came from the other side of the door. “Danny? You okay in there?”

Checking his appearance in the mirror, Danny smoothed his hair back and grabbed one of the paper towels off the floor, wet them in the sink and wiped the blood from his battered knuckles. Confident he looked somewhat more presentable, he pulled the door open, hesitant to present the destruction behind him. “Sorry ‘bout that -- I guess…”

Joe didn’t seem to notice the war zone that now occupied the men’s room, or he chose not to acknowledge it. He simply cocked his head and sighed. “It’s okay Danny. I’d say my reaction was different the first time I saw the video, but I’d be lying.”

Hearing that the stoic Joe White had also been physically disturbed by the Taliban’s recording made Danny feel somewhat less embarrassed. “What can we do for him? I gotta admit, Joe, this is a little out of my skill set.”

Joe walked into the main room of HQ and Danny dutifully followed.

Pausing at the console, Joe crossed his arms and leaned against the computer table. “I wouldn’t say that. What you can do for Steve more than anything is just be there. When and if he decides to talk about things, listen. But if he decides to confide in someone else, don’t judge. Steve’s flying blind here and our only goal is to help him survive.”

Danny leaned over to rest his arms on the console. “He’s talked to Lou before. Maybe he’d talk to him again?”

“Lou?”

Danny turned and leaned against the table next to Joe. “Oh yeah. You’ve probably not met him. Big guy. New head of SWAT. Moved here from Chicago. Just like the rest of us, he and Steve didn’t get off on the right foot but over time, they’ve warmed up to each other.”

“Ahh...”

Crossing his arms, Danny looked at Joe. “Lou mentioned to me yesterday that Steve’s been having nightmares. Before the whole Afghanistan thing even. Based on what I heard Steve mumbling today… maybe he’s been having them a while. He mentioned Freddie.”

“Hmm. Yeah. I suspect that mission to recover Hart’s body last year probably opened up some old wounds.” Joe stepped away and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “You can’t beat yourself up Danny. Steve’s good at hiding things. He’s trained to do it.”

“Yeah, I guess I just hoped maybe he’d start un-training in it. He’s kinda gotten sick of all the hiding that certain other people in his life keep doing.” Danny fixed his gaze on Joe, who waved his hands around.

“I know. It’s a dirty business we’re involved in. I promise though, when it comes to Steve’s well-being, I wouldn’t hide anything from you. You know that, right?”

Danny didn’t respond. He glanced back at the black screens and thought about the scenes that had flashed up there. Images of Steve at his most vulnerable.

“Well, we can agree on doing what’s best for Steve. He’s running out of people to rely on. I won’t let him feel like he’s alone in this.”

Danny’s phone rang and he grabbed it from his pocket. He didn’t recognize the number but punched the answer button anyway. “Williams.”

_“Danny? How’s Steve? I’ve been so worried!”_

Danny glanced at Joe before holding the phone closer to his ear.

“Cath? Is that you? Where in the world are you?”

* * *

Danny didn’t know what he felt more, relief that Cath was okay or frustration that it’d taken so long for her to call.

_“I don’t have a lot of time. I had to lay low for a while because the group that took the kids came back into the village.”_

“Are you okay? That’s most important.”

 _“Yes. I’m fine. Please tell me how Steve is doing.”_ Her voice trembled.

He toyed with how much to tell. She was still in a dangerous situation and getting her mind off her game would seriously threaten her well being and ability to take care of herself.

“He’s banged up. He’s in the hospital here at Tripler getting real good care. The SEAL team was able to rescue him with the intel you provided.”

Danny could hear her physical sigh of relief. _“Oh Danny. That’s wonderful. I’ve been so worried about him. When they took him…”_

“Don’t think about that. Do you need help getting home? Joe White is right here with me. We can start working an extraction plan.”

_“I can’t right now. Amir’s son wasn’t with the kids we helped escape. I still need to find him.”_

What was with it with his ex-Navy friends and their strong desire to do the absolute insane? “Catherine, are you sure that’s a good idea?”

_“It may not be, but it has to be done. I owe these people my life. I have to help them.”_

“You have to know, Cath, the CIA is wondering where we got the intel on that group that held Steve. We’ve been able to hold them off with claims that Steve doesn’t remember anything, but I don’t know how long that will last. It’s not just the Taliban that will be looking for you.”

_“I know. And I appreciate you protecting the situation over here. If anyone knew Amir was involved, they’d take him and Farah and who knows what would happen to Najib.”_

Of that, Danny had no doubt. His experience with the CIA had been nothing but a lesson in frustration. And what they’d done and were still doing to Steve because of his mother… Danny still couldn’t process their duplicitous ways.

_“Is there a way I can call Steve? I really want to hear his voice.”_

Danny didn’t know if Steve hearing from Cath would be a good thing or not. Part of him thought it would help his friend to know that she was okay, but another part of him wondered if Steve would try and leave the hospital and return to Afghanistan to help her.

Something he clearly wasn’t up for at the present time.

Deflection seemed to be the best answer right now. “Lemme see if I can arrange something. You know how they are at the hospital about cell phones and such. Just try my cell next time you’re free and hopefully we can make it work.”

_“Okay. I’ll do that. Please tell him… tell him I’m so sorry.”_

“Don’t worry about that. You just take care of yourself and find that boy. We’ll take care of Steve.”

_“I’ll call as soon as I can. Talk to you soon Danny.”_

He hung up the phone and used every ounce of restraint to not throw it across the room.

“Well, at least we know where she is. Kind of.”

Joe pulled a chair from the conference room table over and sat. “Still searching for the boy I take it.”

“Yeah. She said she’s obligated to do it. The boy’s family saved her life and she has to repay their kindness.” Danny thought about sitting down but his adrenaline rush over the phone call wouldn’t allow it. He paced in front of Joe instead.

“You can understand her reasoning then?”

“Yeah I can. But it still frustrates me that it almost got Ste…”

He stopped himself.

Joe knew what he intended and didn’t mince words. “You blame her for what happened to Steve?”

Danny couldn’t go there. He knew it wasn’t a fair thing to put on Cath. “Steve’s a big boy. He knew what he was getting into. But, I guess a part of me wishes he wasn’t such the hero all the time. It only seems to make things worse.”

Joe looked at Danny and then stood and walked into Steve’s office. “Come in here, Danny. Come in and look around and tell me what you see.”

Danny had half a mind to stay where he was just in defiance, but knew it would serve no good purpose. He stepped into McGarrett’s office and looked around the room.

Joe waved his hand around the room, “Take a good look, Danny.”

He was more deliberate in his examination. Steve’s office was a sea of Navy memorabilia.

Commendation plaques lined the wall. An oar from his SEAL team hung between the windows. A shelf held models of Navy ships. An American flag was enshrined in a case and rested behind a large wooden holder that displayed at least thirty different command coins Steve had received over the course of his career.

“What do you see Danny?”

“I see a man who’s proud of his past accomplishments.”

“What else?”

He glanced around the room again. “I see a man who’s been told by lots of people he’s the best at what he does.”

“Yes. I see a man who’s helped a lot of people. It’s what he does. It’s ingrained in him. Probably a genetic thing from his Dad, and his grandfather before him. You see Danny, Steve can’t NOT help people. And right now, he’s in a hospital bed feeling helpless and useless. Those feelings don’t jive with the man who works in this office.”

“I get that Joe. I’m a cop because I want to help people. Being there for others is what makes someone a good cop.”

Joe raised his hand to stop him. “I know you think as a cop that you and Steve are a lot alike. And you are. You both want to help people. But I think there’s a difference for Steve. He’s not just cop, he’s a Navy SEAL. He’s gone on missions and been given assignments that most wouldn’t even dare to take on. Couple that with how he feels an almost unbearable amount of guilt, as though he thinks he deserves to have been left by so many important people in his life. I’m not saying he should feel guilty. But you and I both know he does. That drives him to prove himself in ways that perhaps you and even I can’t fully comprehend.”

Danny sighed. He’d never really thought about it that way. He’d known his partner for over four years now. But in this moment, he felt like he was starting to finally unlock the man underneath the uniform and truly see the emotional and mental anguish that resided in one Steven J. McGarrett, Navy SEAL and Five-0 Commander.

Nodding to Joe, Danny jogged out of the office and to the Camaro. Whether Steve wanted him there or not, he was stuck with him. Even if all Danny did was sit and talk about the ridiculously hot weather or the newest flavor of cocoa puffs from Liliha Bakery.

Steve wasn’t going to be alone anymore.

* * *

Elani still occupied the desk at the nurses’ station when Danny approached ICU. She looked up and smiled as he approached. “Hey Danny. Steve’s gone down for dialysis. He should be back in…”-she glanced at her watch-”about ten to fifteen minutes. You can wait in his room if you want.”

Danny let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Even though he still wasn’t happy Steve needed dialysis, relief rushed through him at knowing Steve had apparently improved enough from this morning’s excitement to go through with the much-needed treatment.

“Any word on the blood clot? Like, is it still hanging around?”

She checked the chart and nodded. “Still there according to the latest ultrasound. Dr. Rosen will be back this evening and will have more information for you on what he wants to do next.”

“Thanks Elani.” He thumbed toward the door. “I think I’ll step outside for a bit and make some calls. I’ll be back in less than ten.”

“Sure. If he comes back before then, I’ll come get you after we get him settled.”

Nodding, Danny smiled and started back toward the elevator.

Exiting the lobby, he made his way out of the hospital and back to the bench he’d occupied…when was it? Yesterday? Two days ago? Ten years? When had he talked to Grace last?

She was the first person on his “to call” agenda.

His daughter’s voice sounded in his ear as he got her voicemail. She must’ve been at cheer practice or tennis practice or whatever other event Rachel and Stan had her involved in. He tried not to be bitter. He knew she loved all of those activities, but he wondered how she wasn’t exhausted at the end of the day.

“Hey Monkey. It’s Danno. Just checking in with you. I’m still with Uncle Steve. He’s getting better but still isn’t up for visitors just yet. As soon as he is, you’ll be the first person to know. Danno loves you.”

Danny punched the speed-dial and Chin answered on the second ring. “Danny. How’s Steve?”

“He’s gone for dialysis. Should be back in a few minutes. But I needed to let you know, I heard from Cath.”

“What? Where is she? How is she?”

Danny filled Chin in on what he knew about Cath’s situation. He mentioned Joe was in town but decided not to mention the graphic video of Steve’s kidnapping. At this point, he didn’t think Steve would want that information dispersed any further. In his own time, when he was ready, Steve could let the other members of Five-0 know about what happened. If he wanted to.

Danny figured that would probably never happen.

He made a similar phone call to Kono and Lou. All indicated their concern for Steve and their worry about Cath. And they all agreed that telling Steve about Cath’s situation should be handled with kid gloves.

Something Danny rarely did well when it came to Steve.

His phone told him it had been twelve minutes since he’d left ICU, so he stuffed the device in his front pocket and made his way back. When he approached the unit, he saw orderlies walking away from Steve’s cubicle. Danny hurried toward the unit and smiled when he saw his friend occupying the bed.

“Hey buddy, how’re you feeling?”

Steve turned his head and nodded. “I’m, uh, I’m okay I guess. I’m a little nauseous but apparently that can be a side effect. I think they’re giving me something in the IV. I’m not sure.”

“I’ll double-check for you. Make sure you’re getting what you need.”

“Thanks D.” He closed his eyes and Danny could see him drawing in deep breaths through the nasal cannula.

He decided not to delay in checking about the meds and walked out to chat with Elani.

“Hey Elani. Steve’s complaining of some nausea. He couldn’t remember if anyone’d pumped him with some meds to help with it. If they have, they’ve not kicked in yet.”

Looking at her chart, Elani frowned. “I see where they were prescribed. Let me check with the nurses in the nephrology lab and get back with you.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

When he returned to the room, Steve’s breathing had eased up some but he still looked a little green around the gills. Thankfully, it seemed the fever that’d been plaguing him since his arrival had dissipated some, if not completely gone away.

Deciding not to bother Steve anymore, Danny sprawled in the chair by the bed to relax. He needed to figure out how to tell Steve about Cath. And do it in a way that wouldn’t have McGarrett charging out of the bed desperate to return to Afghanistan.

He looked over at his partner and took in the bruises and cuts on his face. This time, with the video replaying in his mind, he had to stave down the urge to scream when he looked at him. Knowing what Steve had gone through, it made Danny’s blood boil and stomach churn.

Steve’s voice jolted him back to the present. “Still no word on Cath’s whereabouts? Have you heard from Joe?”

Thankfully, it seemed Steve had no recollection of his earlier panic attack upon seeing Joe in his room. Danny was thankful, because he knew Steve would be humiliated to know how he’d acted, even though no one would think any less of him for it.

“Yeah, well. Joe showed up today, but you were still under the sedative from getting that catheter installed.” Danny figured a little white lie wouldn’t hurt. “He was worried about you and wanted to see how you’re doing. I left him at HQ. He’s tracking down some info. But while I was there…I got a call from Cath.”

Steve pushed himself up in the bed. “How is she Danny?”

“First, you need you to calm down. Just lay back down.” Danny pressed his hand to Steve’s chest until his partner relaxed against the bed. “She’s okay. Sounded good. She said she still hadn’t found the boy yet but she’s going to call the next time she’s got opportunity. She’s worried about you.”

Steve rubbed his good hand over his face and frowned. “I need to help her Danny. She shouldn’t be over there alone.”

He moved his hand to Steve’s shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “I know you wanna help her Steve, but right now you’ve got to get better. Once the doc thinks you’re out of the woods, I promise I’ll help you in any way I can. You get the all clear from the good people here and we’ll organize a plan of attack with grenades, black helicopters and a flamethrower if you want, okay? But just not today.”

“Yeah. I guess so.” Steve turned to face the ceiling and took deep breaths through his mouth. The nausea apparently rearing its ugly head.

Approaching footsteps drew both of their attention. Elani walked in with a syringe in hand. “Hey Steve. I’ve got some meds for you. Sorry for the mix-up in getting them to you.”

She stuck the syringe in his IV and she and Danny both watched as the lines around Steve’s eyes relaxed as the drugs gave their desired effect.

“How’s that? Better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

She patted Steve on the leg and smiled, “I know it’s been a crazy day. I’ve marked in your chart for them to give you some meds before you get dialysis again. Hopefully that will nip the nausea in the bud.”

“That sounds like a good plan.” Danny leaned back and crossed his arms behind his head, “Oh! You’ve won him over now. If there’s anything Steve likes, it’s a good plan. Even if it’s a somewhat crazed good plan.”

Steve’s slight smile made Danny feel better.

Patting Steve on the leg again, Elani checked the IV one more time. “I’ll check in with you later.”

Danny relaxed back in the chair and closed his eyes.

“Danny?”

He leaned toward the bed. “Yeah babe?”

“I don’t think I thanked you for flying over to get me. I appreciate it buddy.”

“Don’t say another word babe. I was glad to do it.”

Steve’s hand snaked its way through the bars of the bed railing. Danny grabbed it and scooted forward on the chair.

Steve turned toward him and tightened his grip. “Really. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t gotten the rescue team the info. Thank you, I mean it.”

Stuffing the earlier sounds of Steve’s desperate cries away from his mind, Danny nodded and smiled. “No problem. That’s what partners are for, right? Now get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Snuffling into the pillow, Steve adjusted his position until he seemed to be more comfortable and within minutes was asleep.

Danny prayed this would be a nightmare-free rest for his friend.

“We’re gonna be fine, partner. We’re gonna get you better and find you somebody to talk to and everything’s going to be fine. Just fine.”


	6. Chapter 6

Right before visiting hours ended, Steve received an almost unexpected visitor. Danny was just getting comfortable in the new reclining chair that Elani had procured for him. After thanking her profusely, he extended the lower portion of the chair when a shadow appeared in the doorway.

“How’s he doing, Danny?”

Shoving the chair back into the upright position, Danny walked to the door to greet Joe. “He’s feeling a little rough. He had a bad reaction to the dialysis but they’ve given him something to help with that.”

Joe glanced at Steve and nodded. “Good. I’m glad they’re helping him. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine. My only concern is getting him better and out of here.” Danny decided to cut right to the chase, “What d’ya need Joe?”

“I just thought I’d stop in and see him before I...”

“Before you go? I knew you wouldn’t stick around long.”

“Danny, wait...”

“Nah. Go on. He’d be mad if he didn’t see you. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t remember what happened this morning so he most likely doesn’t even recall you came by.”

Danny stayed out of the way while Joe approached the bed and rested a hand on Steve’s arm waiting for Steve to notice. Several seconds later Steve woke and blinked several times before speaking. “Hey Joe.”

If seeing Joe sparked a memory in Steve’s mind about his earlier reactions, Steve didn’t show it; instead he pulled the blanket up closer. “I guess you can tell things went a little sideways over there.”

Joe looked Steve over, “Yeah. It appears to be that way. But you look like you’re getting some good care here.”

“Yes sir. I am.” Steve glanced in Danny’s direction before looking back at Joe. “Thanks for the help in getting me out of there.”

“Anytime, son.”

Silence filled the room. Danny thought it was strange that Steve didn’t pester Joe with more information about Cath. But since they’d heard from her, perhaps Steve figured he didn’t need Joe’s help anymore.

Noticing Steve’s general lack of response, Joe seemed to realize his visit was essentially over. “Well son, I better get back home. The ranch won’t run itself.”

“No sir.”

“Yeah, the weather’s warming up so I’ve got lots to do.”

Danny almost felt sorry for Joe, as it was apparent Steve wasn’t interested in conversing.

“Yes sir.”

Joe leaned over the railing and patted Steve on the shoulder, “Well, I better get out of here and let you get better. I’ll see you soon, all right son?”

 _Soon_ being a completely relative term. Danny was grateful for Joe sharing his intel, but he couldn’t say he was sorry to see him leave either.

Steve’s only response was a simple nod.

Danny didn’t budge from his spot, amazed at the awkwardness of the conversation. Joe walked toward the door and stopped. “Take care of him, Danny.” And he left the room.

Danny itched to talk to Steve about his obvious lack of desire to talk to Joe, but decided it would do more harm than good. Sitting in the recliner, Danny pushed on the arms and adjusted the back to a comfortable sleeping position.

Steve never said a word.

* * *

Steve slept well for the majority of the night. Danny breathed a sigh of relief when he himself woke up the next morning and had few memories of his own sleep being interrupted, save for the nurses doing their regularly scheduled check-ups. He was a little surprised that the evening had gone event-free, especially after Steve’s late night visit from Joe.

Quietly, Danny got out of the chair and stretched. Steve still seemed to be asleep. Lydia, the night nurse, had told him when she came on for her shift that he would still be sleeping a lot as his body recovered from the trauma. Danny was glad to hear it, because he’d been beginning to wonder if Steve physically just couldn’t stay awake for long periods of time or was choosing sleep over dealing with the real world.

Perhaps it was a little bit of both.

Steve still didn’t stir when Lydia came in for her morning round of checks, so Danny went to grab a cup of coffee. He also needed to make a phone call. He’d decided that, if in recent weeks, Steve had been comfortable sharing his troubles with someone, perhaps he’d be willing to share his new fears with that same person, now.

He bought a cup of coffee and found a quiet corner of the cafeteria before taking out his phone and dialing.

_“Danny. I’m glad you called. How’s McGarrett?”_

Taking a sip of the hot brew, Danny pondered his answer. “Hey Lou. Physically, he’s doing some better although the doc came by last night and said that if the blood clot didn’t show any signs of dissemination by the end of the day today, he’d schedule to go in and do some kind of procedure to bust it up.”

_“Is Steve up for that?”_

“Apparently. Dr. Rosen doesn’t want to keep Steve on dialysis that long. Since he’s been struggling with fever and possibly infection, the catheter just provides another possible infection source. The change in antibiotics has helped with his fever. Dr. Rosen wants to keep things on the upswing with Steve’s physical well-being.”

 _“Okay. How about other than that?”_ Lou wasn’t a dummy. Danny knew the SWAT commander could tell there was more to this conversation than just the standard update on Steve.

“Mentally... Steve is still more or less uncommunicative. His former Navy SEAL CO stopped by last night. Unlike previous conversations where Steve had been desperate for Joe to provide some answers for him about Cath’s whereabouts, he didn’t seem to be that interested in talking at all.”

_“Ah. He’s bottling things up.”_

“Yeah. So here’s the thing. From what you’ve told me, Steve’s comfortable sharing things with you that have been bothering him. I admit I’m kinda hurt he doesn’t confide in me, but at this point, that’s not what’s important. The main thing is getting Steve to talk to someone. I know him well enough to not even suggest a shrink right now, but maybe... maybe you could talk to him? Get him to open up or at least be willing to get some help?”

_“I’ll do whatever I can Danny. Be happy to. Let me finish my breakfast and I’ll swing by on my way in and see what kind of conversation Steve might be up to having.”_

Danny struggled with how much to tell Lou. Did he show him the video? Or did he hope Steve would be willing to talk about it without prompting? Would Lou be better served to come at the conversation not knowing the harrowing ordeal McGarrett had been through?

He went with his gut and decided to not mention it. Even though Danny wanted Steve to open up and share his feelings, he also felt an overwhelming need to protect his partner from anyone else knowing about what he’d experienced when he was captured.

_“You’re doing the right thing here Danny. I know it’s tough but like you said: getting Steve to talk to someone is what’s best for him right now, even though he may not realize it. We’ve got to do all we can to help.”_

“Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I’ll see you when you get here. Thanks Lou.”

When Lou arrived, Danny’d taken up residence in his chair by Steve’s bed, reading a newspaper he’d found in the cafeteria.

“Hey, hey McGarrett! How’re you feeling today?”

Steve gave a small smile at the appearance of Grover. “Hey Lou.”

“Danny says you’re feeling a bit better today? I thought you might want a more handsome face to stare at for a while. That way Danny can go home and take a shower so I don’t have to smell him from a mile away.”

Danny shook his head, “Thanks Lou. Thanks a lot.”

“Danny doesn’t have to stay. I don’t need company. I’m fine.”

Danny wanted to believe him, but he knew that wasn’t the case. Steve needed someone there to keep him from crawling inside himself and not ever reappearing.

Grover motioned for Danny to get out of the chair, “We all know he’s really staying here to get out of doing paperwork.” Grover looked at Danny pointedly. “Speaking of paperwork, Kono said there’s still more to get filled out and I suspect she’s going to need some assistance. So run on home, get the smell off and head to HQ. I’ll keep this fella company for a while.”

“While the thought of a shower is appealing, the thought of doing paperwork is not. But I guess I don’t have a choice while our fearless leader hangs out in bed. I’ll see you in a bit.” He gave Steve’s leg a quick squeeze, “Call if you need something.”

Danny stepped outside and then glanced back at his partner.

Maybe Grover could get through to him.

Maybe Steve would talk to Lou.

And then after that, perhaps Steve would finally decide he could share his troubles with his best friend.

* * *

After a quick shower, Danny headed to HQ and finished the remainder of the paperwork that Kono needed help with. Kono and Chin left him alone after a quick debriefing on Steve’s medical situation, each promising they would stop by this afternoon when they got off work. Perhaps seeing his Ohana would give Steve something else to focus on. Danny prayed for any kind of positive impact on his friend.

As he cleared up his desk, he paused. Underneath a pile of papers was the flash drive - the stick that held the video of Steve’s harrowing moments at the hands of the Taliban. Danny was surprised to see it, assuming it would be some super-secret SEAL code to not leave data like this laying around. Joe must’ve left it on his desk and then Kono and Chin had unintentionally covered it with the paperwork.

Danny’s first instinct was to crush it into a thousand tiny pieces: a defiant act to overwhelm the atrocities stored on the drive. But he couldn’t. Instead, he reached for his keys and unlocked the second drawer of his desk and stuffed the drive inside, slamming the drawer shut with authority.

“You okay Danny?” Kono stepped into his office.

“Yeah. Just... frustrated I guess. But I’m fine.”

She sat in the chair across from him and smiled, “He’s gonna get better. It’s just going to take a while.”

Danny leaned back in his chair. “I know he will. I didn’t think I’d miss the big lug leading us into precarious situations at the drop of a hat but...”

“It’s hard to see him vulnerable. I suspect it’s hard for him to feel that way, too.”

Danny didn’t give Kono enough credit for her insightfulness. “You are too smart for your own good, my friend.”

“We’ll take care of him. He’s confused and I bet a little frightened. Those are two very foreign feelings for someone of his skill level.”

Kono didn’t know how right she was. If she ever saw the video, she’d know how very very right she was.

“Yeah. Well, Lou’ll bluster him up pretty good I suspect. Hopefully when I get back they’ll be talking when their next fish-off will be. Maybe something normal to look forward to will help.”

Danny’s phone buzzed. “Speak of the devil, it’s Lou.” He answered without hesitation. “Williams.”

_“Hey Danny, They just took him back for dialysis so I’m going to head into the office.”_

“No problem. I’m finished here so I’ll come over right now.” He put his hand over the phone. “They’ve taken Steve for another round of dialysis. I’m going to head over to be there when he gets back.”

Kono nodded, “Sounds good. We’ll pick up some take-out and bring it when we come. Tell Steve we’ll see him soon.” She left his office and crossed over to Chin’s desk, presumably to give him the plan for later.

He put the phone back to his ear. The desire to ask Lou about his conversation, (or perhaps lack of conversation) with Steve ate at him, but he knew he shouldn’t ask. Lou would volunteer what he wanted. The rest would be private between him and Steve. Danny had to respect that.

_“Danny, I think it would be a good idea to approach the doctor about getting Steve set up with a professional to talk to about things. With Steve’s approval, of course. But it’s going to be what he needs.”_

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I’ll start the ball rolling with that this afternoon.” Danny rubbed his forehead as thoughts of trying to get Steve to agree to therapy crossed his mind. He’d probably have more success convincing Kamekona to become vegetarian than getting the SEAL into a shrink’s office right now.

_“He’s got some issues and he knows it. Don’t press him Danny. I don’t know what kind of intel you’ve got on what happened to him, but from what he told me, which wasn’t a whole lot, things were bad. Bad enough that he’s unsure of himself right now.”_

Steve’s screams of anguish replayed in his mind. “Yeah, Lou. It was bad. I’m not going to say more than that. But I’m glad he talked to you, even if was just a little. That’s more than any of us have gotten out of him.”

_“Well, you call me anytime, day or night if you need to. I wanna help him through this. He’s stuck his neck out for me a couple of times and I owe him.”_

“Will do, Lou. Thanks again.”

Danny grabbed his keys and left HQ. Traffic was remarkably light for the time of day and he got to Tripler in record time.

As he walked in the ICU, he saw Steve being wheeled back to his room. “Hey buddy, perfect timing.”

Steve looked in his direction. A slight smile highlighted his still bruised face. “Hey D.”

The orderlies stopped pushing the bed and allowed Danny an opportunity to lean over the rail to grab Steve’s hand, “How are you feeling? Better than yesterday I hope?”

“Yeah. They gave me some meds ahead of time, which seemed to take care of the nausea.”

“Good. Good.”

Danny released his hold and stepped back. He waited while the orderlies got Steve situated and then he sat on the edge of the bed. “So, today is better than yesterday. Good sign buddy. Maybe you’ll be ready for a step-down unit soon. You think?”

“I’d be okay with that.” Steve waved at the bedside table. “Can you get me a drink Danny? I’m pretty parched.”

He reached for the cup of water and handed it to his partner. Steve took several long swallows and then handed it back. Danny started to broach the subject of Steve agreeing to see a counselor when his phone buzzed. “Williams, here.”

_“Danny? It’s Catherine. How’s he doing?”_

Danny closed his eyes. Steve and Catherine were going to have to talk eventually. Danny surmised there was no time like the present.

“Hang on. I’ll hand the phone over.”

As he gave Steve his phone, his partner Steve looked at him, eyebrow raised. “Who is it?”

“Just answer it.”

“McGarrett.”

Steve’s reaction was one Danny wouldn’t soon forget. Relief flooded his bruised features. “Cath? Where are you?”

Danny touched him on the arm and motioned toward the door. “I’ll give you some privacy. Be back in a bit.”

Waving his hand at him, Steve returned his attention to the phone call as Danny left the room.

Maybe hearing from Cath would release some of the inner turmoil Steve was experiencing and give him some peace.

Or maybe it would stir everything all up again.

Either way, they’d know soon enough.

* * *

Danny peered around the door, checking to see if Steve was off the phone, before he entered the room. Steve’s good arm was thrown over his face, cell phone in hand. Danny didn’t get a good vibe and took a deep breath before making his presence known.

“Hey babe.”

“She’s not coming back, D.”

Danny bowed his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “What’d she say?”

“Said she had to stay and see it through. Said she owed them and she couldn’t leave knowing their boy was still missing.” Steve flung his arm off his head. Danny could see where tracks of tears had run down his face.

“The problem is, Danny, I totally understand. I know why she has to do it.”

Danny thought about all those medals and plaques in Steve’s office. Joe’s words rushed back. _“Steve can’t NOT help people.”_

“I told her I loved her Danny. I love her and she’s in that god-forsaken country helping the people who saved her life and where am I?” Steve pushed the bedside table away. “Where am I, Danny? I can’t help the woman I love. I can’t do anything.”

Steve raised his arm to throw the cell phone when Danny reached over and stopped him.

“Steven. I know you’re frustrated. But you’ve got to calm down...”

Elani rushed in the room. “What’s happening in here?”

Danny pressed down on Steve’s hand and glanced over his shoulder. “Steve got some bad news. He’s going to be fine. It’s okay Elani. He’s just upset. Just give us a minute, okay?”

She backed slowly out of the room. Danny reached over and pulled Steve into his arms. “I know you’re frustrated babe. I know you want to help her, but you’ve got to take care of yourself. Remember our deal, when you get a clean bill of health from the doc, we’ll be on the next cargo plane to Kabul or Kandahar or Timbuktu.”

Danny’s heart broke as he heard Steve sob in his arms. He squeezed Steve tighter and bit his lip as he felt his neck wet with Steve’s tears. It was about time he let go of all the pain and sorrow he’d been holding in for who knew how long. Probably years.

Just as soon as the tears started, they stopped, and Steve pushed Danny back. “Go away, D. Please just let me be.”

Danny took hold of his shoulders, “No. I’m not going to leave you Steve. You’ve got to understand that I’m going to be here no matter what. You’re my best friend and best friends stick it out through thick and thin.”

“But you don’t understand. You can’t understand.”

Desperation overwhelmed Danny. He knew this might be the only opportunity he’d have for Steve to feel like he could open up to him. “Make me understand Steve. Tell me what’s going on?”

Steve turned his face where Danny couldn’t see it and refused to acknowledge him.

“Please Steve. Talk to me.”

Several minutes passed and Danny didn’t budge from his spot on the bed. Just as he was preparing to give up on his partner, Steve said, “I thought I was going to die Danny. He held a machete above my head and I knew it was over. I knew I wasn’t going to survive and I was so scared. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that scared before.”

Danny was torn. His emotions ranged from a sense of peace that Steve had finally shared what he’d been secreting away, to an overwhelming sadness for what his friend had gone through. Hearing the fragility in Steve’s voice brought tears to his eyes and he hurried to wipe them away before Steve could see them.

“I know buddy. I know you were terrified. It’s okay Steve. Those are perfectly rational and natural reactions.”

“Not for me. Don’t you get it? Not for me.” His eyes reddened and Danny saw the start of a tear form in the corner of Steve’s eye. “I’m trained to keep my fears at bay. I’m trained to never let my emotions get the best of me. Don’t you see Danny, I’m a fail...”

Danny grabbed Steve by the shoulders. “Stop it. Stop it right there, Steven. Don’t even think of using that word. You are not and never will be a failure.”

“Don’t...don’t coddle me.”

“Coddle you? Are you kidding me? How about if I smack some sense back into you? You aren’t a failure. Did you survive? Yes, you did? Is Catherine alive? Yes. She most certainly is. Is there hope for the boy? Yes. Absolutely. All of that is possible because of who you are, Steven. Because you are fearless and selfless and the best leader I’ve ever been associated with.”

“I don’t feel like that.”

“I know you don’t. You’ve got to give your...your, I don’t know, your psyche time to heal just like your body needs time to heal. Your whole life has been nothing but one stressful act after another. You lost your mother at fifteen; your father a few years ago, then you find out your mom faked her death. You went on who knows how many death-defying ops all over the world and now you’re trying to understand why Wo Fat and the CIA are so interested in you and your family. You’re hurting, babe. Your heart and your mind are wounded and they’ve got to have some time to recoup. You’ve got to give yourself that.”

Steve turned back to face Danny, lip quivering. “I know that Danny. At least, my mind knows that. But it’s hard... it’s so hard.”

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met Steve. You’ve just got a few chinks in your armor that needs mending. It’s not a sign of weakness. I promise.”

Steve nodded and didn’t say a word. Danny remained seated, his hand slowly massaging Steve’s shoulders as he tried to get him to relax. After a few minutes, Danny helped Steve relax back in the bed and straightened the blankets covering him.

Eventually, Steve’s breath evened out and Danny could tell he had dropped off to sleep.

Danny pressed his fingers to his temples and tried to rub the encroaching headache away. He needed coffee and some pain killers. And a yearlong trip to Tahiti.

He slipped off the bed and started for the door when alarms sounded from Steve’s bedside monitors. Danny ran back to the bed, dismayed to see Steve gasping for breath. Even with the oxygen being pushed his lips were blue. Steve’s eyes were wide with fear and he looked at Danny in anguish. “D. Help me.”

“Hang on Steve, Hang on.”

He pressed the call button what felt like one hundred times in the next ten seconds. Elani and a team of other medical professionals appeared in an instant.

“Step back Danny, let us help him.”

Danny clasped his hands behind his neck to keep from touching Steve and backed up to the wall. His heart raced as the doctors and nurses called out commands and words Danny didn’t understand. All he knew was something was terribly wrong with Steve.

“Someone call Dr. Rosen. We’ve got to get him up to the OR stat or we’re going to lose him.”

In a rush of madness, Steve was disconnected from all the tubes and wires and whisked away before Danny could ask what was going on. Everything was a blur and he pressed his fist to his mouth to keep from screaming.

He felt a touch on his arm and noticed Elani standing beside him, her mouth moving. Danny hadn’t heard a word.

“Danny, can you hear me?”

Finally the roaring in his head quieted down and he nodded.

“It appears Steve’s blood clot traveled to his lungs. We’re getting him prepped for surgery so we can remove it. I know you’re scared, but Steve’s in great hands.”

She walked out the door leaving Danny alone in the room, still processing all that had happened in the last several minutes.

Just when things were getting better, it all went to hell in a hand-basket once again.

He crumpled to the floor, rested his head in his hands and struggled to keep his emotions at bay.

_Please. Please. Let him be okay._


	7. Chapter 7

Footsteps pounded the tile and Danny looked to see Kono and Chin run down the hallway toward the waiting room. Not too far behind, Captain Grover trudged out of the elevator.

Danny paced up and down the floor, not stopping as the cousins approached.

Chin waited for Grover to catch up and then asked what Danny was expecting. “We got here as fast as we could. Has there been any word?”

“No. Not yet. Elani assured me they were going to try a simple procedure first in the hopes that they wouldn’t have to open him up. But I’ve not heard anything yet.” Danny concentrated on the taps of his shoes on the tile. Otherwise he’d go crazy with worry.

Step. Step. Step. Turn. Step. Step. Step. Turn.

“What happened, Danny?”

He didn’t stop to face Kono. Just kept up his steady pace.

Step. Step. Step. Turn. Step. Step. Step. Turn.

“I’m not sure. Cath called and it upset him. I finally got Steve to talk to me about some of what’s been bothering him and he seemed okay. But I guess I was wrong. I never should have let him talk to Cath. It sounds crazy but I knew it would likely set him off, but I couldn’t bear keeping it from him.”

Step. Step. Step. Turn.

Chin put his hands on Danny’s arms, forcing him to stop. “You can’t put this on yourself. You were right. Steve had to know. Keeping it from him would’ve only made the problem worse. You couldn’t have known he’d throw the clot. I bet it would’ve happened if he’d just been sleeping for hours. There are things we can’t control and this is one of them.”

“Maybe so. I’m just so tired of keeping things from him. We can’t keep secrets. But what have I done? Maybe this was a secret I should’ve kept? Maybe I shouldn’t have let him talk to Cath yet.”

He jerked out of Chin’s arms and proceeded to pace.

Step. Step. Step. Turn. Step. Step. Step. Turn.

“Danny, come on and sit down. You’re exhausted. We’ll all wait together.” He felt Kono’s hands on his back, gently trying to pull him to sit down in the chairs they’d been so familiar with in the past several days. But he shook his head and moved out of reach.

“I can’t Kono. I’ve got to keep moving. If I don’t stop moving, I’m gonna just curl up in a ball and that won’t help anyone.”

Step. Step. Step. Turn. Step. Step.

“Family of Steve McGarrett?”

The squeaking of the floor under his shoes was all that sounded as Danny rushed to meet the surgeon who’d appeared in the doorway. He beat the rest of the team by a good four steps. “How’s he doing doc?”

Dr. Rosen pulled the surgical cap off his head and wadded it in his hands. “Commander McGarrett is doing well all things considered. We were able to do what we call an aspiration embolectomy to remove the clot from his lung. We then inserted a filter in his inferior vena cava to prevent a reoccurrence.”

If Danny didn’t have to hear any medical speak for another hundred years he’d be happy, “An aspiration what? Can you speak in English doc?”

“Sure Danny. Basically, we inserted a catheter into the spot where the blood clot was located and then suctioned the clot out through a syringe. We then inserted a filter so that if any other blood clots form in the future, they won’t travel to his heart. Commander McGarrett endured the procedure quite well and I don’t anticipate any side effects. In fact, we’re hopeful the removal of the clot will help jumpstart his kidney function.”

Chin asked before Danny had the chance. “When can we see him Doctor?”

“He’s in recovery for another little while, Detective Kelly. We’ll move him back to ICU for a day or so and if everything goes like I think it should, we’ll get him in a step down unit hopefully by tomorrow. It all depends on how his kidneys respond. But I’m optimistic.”

Danny collapsed in the chair behind him. Finally, some good news. He wanted to cry from relief, scream for joy and sleep for a hundred years all at the same time.

Lou stepped in front of Danny to shake Dr. Rosen’s hand. “Thanks doc. Thanks for taking such good care of our friend.”

“My pleasure. I’m glad that things seem to be looking more on the positive side. I’ll check back on him in a bit and then have the nurse let you know when they’ve moved him to his room.”

Dr. Rosen pushed the button for the ICU door to open and waved his hand at them before the doors swished shut behind him.

Kono and Chin hugged while Grover sat in the chair next to Danny. As he sat, he pounded Danny’s knee and sighed. “Maybe we’re over the hump. It’s been quite a week.”

Danny could only hope and pray Grover was right. Perhaps this was the sign that things were going to get better. All of them needed this bit of happiness right now. Just a little something to make them feel like there was hope on the horizon.

“Danny, you’ve got to get a good night’s sleep. Why don’t you head home and we’ll take care of looking out for Steve tonight.”

He shook his head. “Thanks Lou. I really appreciate it. But I’ve gotta stick around and see him. It’s just something I have to do.”

“I understand. But when you and he are both ready, we’ll be here for you.” He squeezed Danny’s knee. “I’m going to go track down some coffee. Anyone else want some?”

“I’ll go with you, Captain.” Kono kneeled down in front of Danny. “You want something to eat? Maybe a sandwich or something?”

For the first time in a while, the thought of food didn’t turn Danny’s stomach. “A sandwich would be good. Thanks.”

She patted his leg and stood. “We’ll be back as soon as we can.”

Danny leaned his head back against the wall and sighed. “Well, I think we’ve reached a turning point. Or at least I hope we have.”

Chin slumped in the chair next to him and nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be glad to get back to some sense of normalcy soon.”

“I think it might take a while for Steve to get back fully to normal. He, uh, he endured some pretty awful stuff when he was captured. And I think he’s going to have to take some time and work through it.”

Chin looked in Danny’s direction. “We’ve got his back Danny. All of us. As long as it takes.”

“Yeah. As long as it takes.” With the progress he and Steve had made before the blood clot moved, Danny hoped it wouldn’t be long until Steve had his sea legs under him again.

But then again, Danny hadn’t shared his secret with Steve. Now that Steve seemed willing to talk with him some about the events in Afghanistan, would his partner be upset to learn that Joe had shared the video footage? Would he ever trust Danny again, if he found out some day down the road?

Danny closed his eyes and tossed what to do around in his head.

Tell Steve the truth.

Or do what he despised.

Keep yet one more secret from his friend.

* * *

Once Danny and the rest of the team had finished the sandwiches and coffee, Elani came to tell them Steve was settled in his room. Danny felt an overwhelming sense of relief when he looked at his partner and saw a face not tinged with fear or lips blue from lack of oxygen. If Danny never saw his partner like that again, it would be none too soon.

Though Steve wasn’t quite himself, he was somewhat alert enough to acknowledge everyone’s presence. It was only after several minutes of stifled groans that the Team knew he needed to get his rest. As the anesthesia wore off, the aches and pains of his body became more noticeable. Even though Elani had given Steve a pain pump to push, the relief didn’t come immediately.

“We’re gonna let you get some rest, Bossman. I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow. Soon as you’re up for it, we gotta hit the waves brah. There’s been some stellar action out there.” Kono pressed a kiss to Steve’s forehead.

McGarrett’s mouth lifted in a small smile and he nodded. “I’ll look forward to it Kono.” He drew in a deep breath and continued. “Haven’t been on a board in a while so you’ll have to go easy on me.”

Chin squeezed Steve’s and smiled. “Yeah Steve. But before you hit the waves, Lou and I found a huge colony of fish that are aching to be prizes in the next fish-off.”

“You know that’s right. Although I don’t even know why you think you could take me on. I’m going to smoke you like I’ve done the last two times.” Lou’s teasing led Steve to roll his eyes.

“I don’t think so buddy. Once I’m up to it, you’re gonna wish you never stepped foot in the ocean.”

Grover’s laugh filled the room and Danny couldn’t help but smile at the lighthearted feel of the moment. It was such a stark contrast to the tension-filled hours of the past few days.

They all waved their goodbyes and Steve closed his eyes as Danny reclined in his chair, feet propped on the base of the hospital bed. He relished in the quiet and peaceful moments.

“Danny?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier after Cath called. I’m just so frustrated. I’ve never felt so helpless before. But part of me... part of me is frightened. What if I can’t do this anymore? What if I get out there and freeze the next time someone points a gun at me?”

“Steven, I know you’ve got some concerns. But believe me babe, I think you’re going to be okay. You aren’t the first trained military professional who’s been taken against their will and treated like a punching bag. No one reacts well to having their hair grabbed and a large knife held to their throat after they’ve tried to escape. We’d all have the same reaction.”

Steve nodded. Danny noticed he pressed the pain pump for another shot of morphine. Danny figured that if he’d had a tube inserted in his lungs and another in his leg, all after being beaten up by thugs, then he’d be reaching for a shot of drugs too.

Returning to his reclined position in the chair, Danny reached for the magazine he stuffed between the cushion and the arm rest and flipped through the pages.

“Did I tell you that?”

“Hmm?”

“I know my brain is foggy, but I didn’t think I’d mentioned that they grabbed me by the hair and I tried to escape.”

Danny froze in mid page turn. Leave it to McGarrett to find a slip up in his story. Even under the effects of pain meds.

“Steve. I need to tell you something.” He got out of the chair and pushed the handrails down on the bed so he could sit beside his partner and look him in the eye.

“When Joe came the other day. He brought something with him. It was a flash drive. On it was something the SEAL team had discovered at the place where you were being held. It was a video.”

Steve closed his eyes. “You saw it? You saw what they did?”

“Yeah buddy. I did. Joe thought it would help me understand why you were having such a hard time. I was upset because you were acting so unlike yourself. And then Lou mentioned you’d been having nightmares. You gotta understand Steve. I just wanted to understand so I could help you better.”

Steve’s nostrils flared as he inhaled oxygen through the cannula in short brisk breaths. Then a tear formed in the corner of his eye and slowly rolled down his cheek. “I’m sorry you had to see that Danny.”

Danny ached to brush his fingers across Steve’s cheek and wipe his tears, but he knew that would only make Steve feel weaker than he already did. “I’m sorry I did too. But Steven, I’m sorrier that you had to go through that. I’m sorry there are such diabolical people in the world who would take young boys from their families. But you know what I am thankful for? I’m thankful there are men and women like you and Cath who are willing to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves, no matter the cost. I’m thankful that even though it drives me crazy sometimes, you put others before yourself and you help bring justice to this world.”

Danny grabbed Steve’s hand and pressed it between his. “That video didn’t make me think you were weak Steve. It just showed me how strong you are. That no matter what, you would fight to the death to protect the people you love, even people you’ve never met before.”

Another tear escaped and trailed down Steve’s cheek. “Thank you for believing in me, even when I don’t.”

“I may yell and scream at you, but I’ll always believe in you Steve. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Steve closed his eyes. After a few minutes, Steve spoke. “I think...I think it would be good for me to talk to a professional about some of the stuff that’s been bothering me.”

Relief flooded Danny’s system. “I think that’s a really good idea Steve. I can ask the doctor here if there’s someone he can recommend?”

“I, uh... I’ve been to counseling before, once after a particularly tough mission when I first joined the SEALs. They actually made the whole unit see someone. But, not since...”

“Not a problem, babe. We’ll find the right person to help you. I promise. We’ll get you feeling better body and soul.” Steve nodded, and Danny continued to hold his partner’s hand, willing some of his strength to him.

* * *

It was a month later that Steve and Danny each occupied the beat-up wooden beach chairs that Steve kept at the water’s edge of his property. Longboards in hand, their feet bare, the waves gently slid up the sand to lightly touch their toes before receding as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon.

Taking a sip of the cool ale, Steve interrupted the quiet with a comment. “So, the session went well today.”

“Yeah? Dr. Thornton’s good to talk to, huh?” Danny made a point to never ask Steve about his counseling sessions, but would discuss them if Steve brought them up first.

Steve nodded as his gaze focused on the ocean before him. “Yeah. He’s helping me to see what I can and can’t control. But he’s also helping me figure out that I don’t need to stuff so many things away. It’s okay to be angry and scared and worried and whatever other emotion I might be experiencing. Just means I’m normal...even though sometimes you accuse me of not being so.”

Danny chuckled. “I’m not sure that any of us are really normal anyway.”

Steve nodded, before asking, “How’s Grace? She still planning for the party tomorrow?”

Since Steve’s release from the hospital two weeks ago, Grace had been itching to hang out with her Uncle Steve. Her two visits when he’d been moved to a regular room at Tripler had only encouraged her desire to spend time with him after he got home. Even at her young age, she seemed to understand the seriousness of what Steve had been through and, like the rest of the team, wanted to do whatever she could to get him back on his feet as soon as possible. She’d decided Steve needed an “official” welcome home barbecue with all his friends.

“Are you kidding? Grace hasn’t stopped talking about it. She’s already got the menu planned and everything. I didn’t want to break it to her that Kamekona’s already volunteered to bring over a boatload of shrimp to throw on the grill. She wanted hamburgers and hotdogs.”

Steve smiled. “I’ll stop by the store and get some after my checkup tomorrow. Dr. Rosen wants to follow-up and make sure all my plumbing is working properly.”

Danny still remembered the delight they’d shared when Steve was finally able to stop having dialysis. The removal of the blood clot had indeed helped McGarrett’s kidney function and within twenty-four hours of surgery, he’d finally had some good results in that regard. In the grand scheme of things, urine output was probably an odd thing to celebrate, but for Steve and Danny, it meant Steve was indeed on the road to recovery.

Danny fingered the item he’d put in his pocket earlier in the day, spinning it around and around in his hand. Eventually, he pulled it out and held it for Steve to see. “I thought you might want to have this.”

He’d been opening the drawer of his desk every morning, eyeing the flash drive that Joe’d left, wondering what to do with it. Danny decided that ultimately, it was Steve’s decision.

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Yep. It’s been in my desk drawer ever since Joe and I watched it. I figure it’s up to you if want to keep it and maybe show it to Dr. Thornton.”

Steve spun the drive around in his fingers, eying it carefully. Eventually he stood up and walked further out into the blue waters ahead of them, flash drive firmly clutched in his hand. He turned and looked at Danny and jerked his head toward the ocean.

Danny waded out to stand by his partner’s side, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“If it’s okay with you Danno, I think I’ll let the waters of the Pacific Ocean take this off our hands.”

Danny turned to face his friend and smiled. “Sounds like a great idea to me.”

Steve reared back and with skills left from his high school quarterback days, tossed the flash drive yards away into the depths of the ocean. It quickly disappeared from view, swallowed up by the waves as they crashed into each other as evening drew nigh.

As they stood side-by-side, water dancing around their knees, Danny finally realized after so many days of worry, that he finally had a sense of peace. His friend was conquering his demons and Danny could let go the fears that had kept him petrified for the last few weeks.

Steve had told him once, that fear was a state-of-mind. Danny rejoiced in the fact that his state-of-mind was finally changing for the better.

_The End_


End file.
